I am trying sooo Hard

I wrote a post called  'I am a Newbie Help i cant breathe with all the insensitivity'

Well i thought i was getting on top of everything. My sister inlaw asked me to be Godmother. Altho she said she didn't want to pressure me it was my choice. I felt as if i had to, so i didn't cause family upset. Well every-time i see her i think i can do this, i can do this. Then she pulls out her camera and shows me all the beautiful dresses she has bought. I am alright if she is wearing a dress but i feel that she is rubbing it in when she does that. To top it all off my Mum inlaw and Father inlaw just came back from their hols. We went to see them when they got back. She didn't make a fuss of my 3 boys. My father inlaw didn't even say hello to me. But as soon as my sister inlaw came in with her Darling Son (R) and Darling Daughter (E) they crowded all around them and made a very big fuss. Everything was wow look how grown up you two our. I am really looking forward to going clothes shopping and buying lots of girlie stuff. I have missed you guys. I still can't believe we have a girl our family. I said to my hubby i need to go. She ignored all three of our boys. I came home really upset thinking my boys are starting to notice these differences of attitude towards them. I felt like i can't cope with feeling this way. I managed to pull myself together and be on top of things.

Until today i went over there with nearly JJ 2 year old and LO 5 month old to play with their nana in the snow (Roo 3year old is at nursery). All 4 of them were already there. Granted Brother in law and Mum Inlaw were making a snowman. But no one said hello when we got in. I sat down feed my baby and let JJ play. Well after they came back in and sat down next to sis inlaw and played with darling granddaughter. Made no notice of me or my boys. Was all smittened again with all the dresses and that she loves her sooo much. Didn't once look up. I couldn't breathe and i'll be damned if i let them see me cry. I left Only then did she look up and say nice to see you. I held it together until i got home. I really can't managed this it is sooo rude. I confronted my Sister inlaw how i feel and she still goes and shows my the photos. I can't say anything thing to the inlaws as it will cause family issues and they will most defendantly choose them over us if it came to it. I just don't get it they come over all the time (the mum inlaw complains how badly behaved R is) so why when we come over, we get ignored and they get all the attention and phrases. It's like i am being punished for not having a girl.

 I am really dreading Xmas as all my family live in New Zealand. So i don't have any excuses for not going over there. But i am also such a softie as i convince myselfit is rude not to go over there and to be nice and i always get burned. I am the one who buys xmas prezzies and make an effort. None of my gifts are not wanted. How am i going to go over there and watch this happen and be invisible. She ruined Xmas last year. How do you cope buying a gift for a baby girl that doesn't belong to you. Knowing that you may never have one.

 

3 year old

2 year old (jan)

5 month old

I would never change my boys for the world. They are my world

hoping for 

BIG ((((HUGS)))).

You are more than trying, and there is no excuse for them to completely ignore your BEAUTIFUL boys (and they are!!!). Honestly? If you always get burned, why even go over there? Who cares if they are "family"? It sounds like you would have a much better (and more peaceful) Christmas without them... maybe you should just spend it with DH and your boys. TBH, I am 100% happy just being with my kids and DH, and it sounds like you would be too, ESP if they are being such sh*ts to you and your kids.

JMHO.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It sucks. As for buying presents, get your niece something gender neutral in color and type. How old is she? There are lots of awesome gender neutral toys and books, and white is always a good color for clothes. You don't have to buy her something frilly and pink. There are lots of great stuffed animals, wood blocks, and other toys meant for either gender. A white blanket is pretty, too. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to buy pink or spend time in the girl section of the store. HTH!

Hello saggyr11 it looks like were are in the same boat i am going to try for a girl in 2-3 years time aswell. There are also strong possibilities it maybe twins. As i runs on both sides of my familys. Lets hope pink dust falls our way xx

Thank you soo much for your comment. I also feel like i am making my hubby choose. I don't want that. I know i have to be the bigger person but it feels like i am being the bigger person 24/7. He said to me today that we just won't go over there for xmas. But i heard the hurt in his voice. I can't let him down he loves me, but he also loves his family too. I am just finding it sooo hard to cope with the emotional feelings. what makes it harder is that they know how i feel

Maybe you could ask your DH to talk to his parents about showing favoritism to the other kids?  He could say that you all want to spend Christmas with family, but it hurts your feelings and the boys' too when their grandparents obviously prefer other grandchildren.  There's no reason you should be doing all the compromising.  Even if they do like SIL's kids better, they don't have to show it so obviously.

And if your in-laws can't manage it, maybe you should consider doing holidays at your own house with just your family.  It might be the start of a nice new tradition for you.  Possibly your in-laws will miss seeing their son and grandkids and will figure out they need to change.

It really sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk with DH about what's going on with his parents and your feelings about it.  Tell him that the boys are noticing, and that you're not willing to take them over just to be hurt.  If it's a real problem, you and DH need to come to an agreement on a course of action.

If it comes down to it, and you're serious about staying away from in-laws, tell DH he can go for the holidays and visits by himself.  He'd definitely miss being around his children on family holidays!  Ultimatums can backfire, though.

Good luck with your in-laws. 

 ITA agree with the PPs. I actually think I would refuse to spend time with your parents-in-law until they can show your boys fair attention. How must your poor children feel with their grandparents fussing over their other grandchildren but not them? You don't have to put them, or yourself, through that. If your MIL and FIL can't play fair, that's tough, and they miss out. They are acting horribly and they deserve to have someone pull them up on it.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. If it helps, I think three boys would be very precious indeed, and I'm sure you'll have your own little girl to dress is sparkly things very soon. 

 As long as it doesn't get better dont go there anymore for the sake of your children! I think your Inlaws are really cruel to treat you that way. Also dont let them ruin your Christmas! Has your husband witnessed how they treat his children? Or are they only like that when you are alone?

I really don't know whether your inlaws would be nicer if you had a girl, but even if... that would also be cruel.

saggyrl11:

BIG ((((HUGS)))).

You are more than trying, and there is no excuse for them to completely ignore your BEAUTIFUL boys (and they are!!!). Honestly? If you always get burned, why even go over there? Who cares if they are "family"? It sounds like you would have a much better (and more peaceful) Christmas without them... maybe you should just spend it with DH and your boys. TBH, I am 100% happy just being with my kids and DH, and it sounds like you would be too, ESP if they are being such sh*ts to you and your kids.

JMHO.

I agree with this completely! Enjoy your Christmas without having to feel like an outcast! If it pisses them off, so be it.

outnumberedx3:

saggyrl11:

BIG ((((HUGS)))).

You are more than trying, and there is no excuse for them to completely ignore your BEAUTIFUL boys (and they are!!!). Honestly? If you always get burned, why even go over there? Who cares if they are "family"? It sounds like you would have a much better (and more peaceful) Christmas without them... maybe you should just spend it with DH and your boys. TBH, I am 100% happy just being with my kids and DH, and it sounds like you would be too, ESP if they are being such sh*ts to you and your kids.

JMHO.

I agree with this completely! Enjoy your Christmas without having to feel like an outcast! If it pisses them off, so be it.

 

I am sorry but your MIL sounds like a cow! How insensitive! Great if she has a granddaughter but she has grandsons too! Has your MIL by any chance GD??? Is your SIL her daughter? Or her Daughter in law?

 Dont go there for Christmas have a nice Christmas at home with the people who care about you!

xx

 Its my mother inlaws sons wife. I don't think it would change if i had a daughter of my own but at least it would hurt a little less. It was happening before SIL had her DD but after she was born i told my hubby it is going to dramatically change and it did. But much worse than i predicted. I wanted a little girl for me. But thro every pregnancy MIL kept saying you know it is going to be boy just be happy what you got as girls don't run in the family, So i think there was a little bit GD in her. But to put me down all the time as well just hurtfully. I have been kicked so many times and you have to get up and brush yourself down and get on with it. But family are like my krytonite.

As for my hubby seeing what is happening. He sometimes sees it and shakes his head but the really hurtful stuff is when he isn't there or when he (has a tendency to) falls asleep on his mums couch

I had a brief talk to Hubby and he told me not to go there without him and if it gets to much then he is going to have a word.

But i feel after someone says something its going to be just as bad. Very forced.

The IL's are trying to pin us down for Xmas but we told them we are going to have it at ours as my baby sis and BF are staying over. Its just the after food i am worried about. The opening of prezzies when they are there. I am trying to go when they are not there.  Well it has been every Xmas (4 years)so far that i can't have a little drink as i have been pregnant. So i may have a couple just to get a little tipsy  Lets hope it all pans out well

3 year old

2 year old (jan)

5 month old

I would never change my boys for the world. They are my world

hoping for