GD and HD (husband disappointment)

I am so fed up right now.  I've been dealing with EGD alone (apart from posting on here) for the last 4 weeks since I got told boy at my 13 week 5 day scan.  Admittedly I handled things all wrong with my husband, and he was really angry with me for feeling this way but I have been REALLY trying and genuinely coming to terms with things.  I've bought a few baby things which made me feel better, I have been having positive chats with my daughter (who really wants a sister) and explaining that the only thing that matters is that the baby is healthy etc. etc  I haven't mentioned one negative thing about it being a boy to my DH since that first day.  I had another scan today where it was completely confirmed that it is a boy and I didn't cry and was more interested in the scan than last time where I just wanted to get out of there.  DH didn't come with me as he had to work, even though he was working from home today.  He didn't come to the last one either.  I am still feeling sad about it all but not nearly as bad as I was.......until tonight!

I told my husband it is definately a boy when I came home and was really careful to only show positivity.  I told him I was going to tell the kids in the car when I picked them up from school which I did.  My dd was a little disappointed but generally ok.  I asked them to come up with names and shared with them one name that myself and my husband like (but we definately hadn't chosen a name yet!)  DD said she didn't like that name and SS came up with a name he liked. So, we are sat down, kids are in bed, my husband eating a home-cooked meal, watching tv and generally chatting.  I told him about the conversation with the kids and he hit the roof.  Brought up everything about the first day when I found out, accused me of making all the decisions - said he had already bonded with the one name we have both liked so far, shouted about everything being about me and my daughter....I mean, WTF!!!  Apparently now he didn't want to know the gender prior to birth even though I had told him previously that I really wanted to do this because if it were a boy I thought more time would help me come to terms with things.  He didn't want to tell anyone the sex even if we knew.  Didn't want to discuss names with the children as that is our decision alone - yeah ok, I didn't say I was going to pick or disregard a name because they chose it but wanted to involve them in the process!  Ranted at my daughter because she didn't like the name he loves (she's 7 ffs!)

So now, I feel right back to square one.  He always does this, I feel like he railroads me emotionally and bullies me by creating arguments all the time out of nothing!!!  I don't only have GD now, I wish I weren't having a baby with him at all.  He doesn't even look after the kids he has got.  The two boys are my step-sons but he only sees them for about half an hour a day, was away with work all last week, going away tomorrow for another week.  The first two years I spent with him he was away monday to friday every week, I had never spent more than a day with his boys before that!  All I ever get is concern for his precious bloody boys and nothing for me or my daughter.  I feel like just running far away with my daughter and never looking back.  I think if I weren't pregnant I might well be doing that and now feel trapped.  I just don't know what to do.  TBH we were having troubles prior to my getting pregnant due to his behaviour and temper (he is never physical but he is completely irrational).  This is most definately an "oops baby" and stupidly, (and I realise just how bloody stupid I was now - OWT, chinese gender chart, urine test etc) I convinced myself it was a girl.  I'm not getting any younger and thought that having a baby girl would balance out our family and solve the problems that we have due to having 3 kids but none together.

Anyone been through similar issues with DH, step-kids etc and how did you get through them?

 Wow more power to you he sounds like he's being a real jerk and I wouldn't even deal with it to be honest I just wanted to say I wish you luck and prayers that it improves soon. I'm sure you'll love your little baby when you finally deliver. Lots of support here so I'll keep an eye out on your posts and see how it plays out.

I know how you feel when you mention that you feel trapped. My relationship with my partner can be very similar at times to yours. I have an extremely strong will though and although i hate yelling and screaming because things work out better when you talk about them, sometimes letting loose is the only way to make them understand. Do you feel like he always blames you when things go wrong? or expects you to be a mind reader when he says something spiteful and tries to tell you that is not what he meant? Just last night my partner started carrying on in front of all of his friends and to his boss over the phone that i had faxed off a wrong invoice for him and it was my fault. He told me i made him look like a F.. wit. So of course, as i knew i was in the right, i stood up and told him how it was right in front of his friends and boss on the phone and then he really did look like a F... wit. You see, he decides what Invoice he wants me to fax, puts it in his Invoice book and gives it to me to take to work and fax. How could i have faxed the wrong one unless i was given the wrong one in the first place. Anyway, sorry venting, back to the point. You should not have to feel ashamed about your EGD. You are entitled to feel the way you feel and should not have to fake it to your husband. He should be able to understand how you are feeling even if he does not agree and help you through it rather than being argumentative and turning a blind eye to your feelings. Before you decide what to do though make sure you are calm and thinking rationally and not hormonally. I can get myself soooooo worked up that i convince myself i don't want to be with my partner anymore, that he is such an A hole etc... but when i snap out of the emotional, hormonal mood swing and i feel level again i can think properly and figure out what i really do want. Do you have family to help support you if you want to leave? If not have a look into places that can help you out. Good luck and i hope you figure out what you really want to do. I'll keep watching this post so if you want to chat more feel free to go ahead and vent or ask me anything.

Thanks for your replies girls.  Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want.  I'm not the easiest person to live with either but I have got to the point where I am just so done with being shouted at.  Don't get me wrong, I shout back with the best of them and get my point across - I'm just so pissed off that he feels the need to start these arguments in the first place over nothing - I just want to be able to relax and not have to watch every single thing I say!  In his opinion now, (and I say now because he never mentioned this previously, despite my telling him I wanted to find out the gender) I have spoilt everything about the pregnancy,  In his words, "what's the big deal, there's nothing to get excited about.  We might as well not bother phoning anyone on the day as they will know the due date (planned c section), sex and possibly the name if I insist on discussing names with anyone other than him.  Grrrrrrrrrr........he know I am disappointed over a boy and just seems determined to make things worse!

The trouble is I think some men see things very much in black and white.  My own DH for example gets irritated with me for 'going on' about situations/things I can do nothing about.  As far as he is concerned, if something is a fact, for example our last child being a boy, then that's that and there is no point even discussing it.  It makes for a lot of arguments.  We had a big row the other night because he wanted me to decide now whether I will have a gender scan with the next baby.  Bear in mind we are not thinking of trying for another until next YEAR!  Then he got mad with me because I said I wasn't sure and would probably change my mind!

About the baby's name - I think he is being a little bit childish.  It's great to make your existing kids feel involved with a new baby.

While someone said men see black and white (which I agree with), I also think A LOT of men need it stuck to them for them to learn. I think you need to seriously say, "You know what? I'm leaving and taking my daughter with me for a couple of days." and THAt will get him to change his mind quick! The thing with men is, they will keep crossing the line you put down unless there is action involved. TIf he's not willing to talk, hun, I'm sorry to say, actions speak louder than words.

 

I'm sorry you didn't hear "girl" at your scan as well. you have enough to deal with. Sounds like your husband is childish, and you have enough kids to worry about without him acting like a big one. :) Hugs to you. I wish you the best. 

So....he's gone off to Italy today.  He couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him, got defensive and while he did apologise I know that he was just saying the words he thought I wanted to hear.  His opinions haven't really changed and when I questioned him on it he tried to justify what he had said.  I told him outright that he had made me feel like I wasn't just disappointed now that it was a boy but that I wish we weren't having a baby together..period!  I told him that I had already ended one bad relationship when I had a young child and was perfectly willing and able to do it again and that I could more than cope on my own.  That shocked him to say the least.  Cue flurry of texts since he has gone, apologising again, blaming it on having had a drink and trying to sound more reasonable.  The problem is I am a much stronger person than he is and he knows it.  His self-esteem issues and insecurity have been a constant source of arguments in our relationship but I cannot let them impact on me any longer.  I want to be with him and for this to work but not at any cost.  So I am going to give him an ultimatum when he gets back - we either need to go to counselling together and sort out these issues once and for all (something he has refused to do in the past) or I will move on.  He knows that I could cope without him and I know that he would fall apart without me and this terrifies him.  He makes these arguments to try and reclaim some of the power in the relationship, I honestly know that he is not a bad person but he cannot browbeat me any longer.  Is it too much to ask for to not be on a constant emotional rollercoaster????

Thanks again for your comments, it really helps to be able to offload and get some constructive advice.  xxx

I am so glad I haven't told any of my friends about my gd or posted anything on my facebook page to do with it.  Was just browsing thru my facebook now and came across these comments below (not about me I might add!)  Isn't it funny how never having heard of gd before 4 weeks ago it's now cropping up everywhere!!!  Why are some people so judgemental....only one of the people below is my friend on facebook (the last one), it just came up on my homepage as a recent post on her page.

 

one of hubby's colleagues just found out today they are expecting twin girls, they already have a girl, and they are devastated, devastated, you have two healthy babies growing be bloody grateful for that!!!! 2 hours ago

• •  Devastated? OMG, there are a lot of people who would pay a fortune to be in that position!! xx

    4 hours ago
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  •  Tell them to make the most of their children.... they grow up so quickly.....

    4 hours ago
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     It makes my blood boil when people say they have to have a boy or a girl. If they want to choose - go to a pet shop. They can choose which animal & which sex. Some people would give anything to have 1 healthy child let alone 3.

    3 hours ago
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    Agreed!

    3 hours ago
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  • I think you know my opinion on this tasha, so i wont comment! X

 

Don't let their comments get you down darls. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but i disagree that they should force their opinion onto other people. The people that have posted on facebook have probably never been in a situation like yours so they will never understand. You can't help how you feel. I bet you say to yourself all the time that you wish you didn't feel like this about your bubs but it's out of your control and you do feel some disappointment. I think you are a Hugely strong person and that has got you through everything you have experienced so far so i say keep doing what your doing and never change yourself or your feelings for anyone. Stay true to yourself. You sound like an awesome chick!!!

Junior "stay true to yourself"

You are so right!  Thank you for that, it's something I often feel I have lost in the last few years!  Sorry to hear that you have some very similar issues with your husband - it's so hard dealing with somebody like this.  I don't know about you but half of the time I love my dh and the other half I truly feel like I hate him.

I just find it very hard to deal with 3 youngish children, 2 of whom aren't mine and then get constant emotional stress from him too, all while being hormonal and pregnant.  Part of my gd stems from being in a very male dominated household while never having had a bio boy myself.  I do care for my stepsons but it's different to how I feel about my daughter and I would have loved to have given her a sister and enjoy the sisterly bond that I was never able to experience.  There is also a strong autistic link in the male side of his family (his grandfather, father, uncle, brother and youngest son all have it it to varying degrees from extremely severe (living in a home) to mild.  I also suspect at times that my husband has some related tendencies which may cause the side of his character that I just cannot relate to and makes him change personality almost instantaneously.  I am terrified that this boy I am carrying will be autistic as I honestly feel that I could not cope with that alone (as I have to do with everything else).  So, my gd is complicated and mixed in with a load of fear.

 

Junior - I noticed from your post that you are due in about 7 weeks, have you had gd before or only with this pregnancy?  Is it getting better, I really hope so for you - it's such a difficult thing to go through.  I know that mine is already better than it was, I would say that for the first 3 weeks I felt EGD which has now diluted to just plain old GD   I feel in my heart that if this boy turns out to be healthy (please god no autism) then I will end up loving him the same way I do my daughter, regardless of the feelings I had when first told his gender.

 

Just to pre-empt any comments from mums on here who may have autistic children - please don't take any of my comments personally.  It's just that with such a strong family history of it on my dh's side I don't believe that any mum would choose for their child to have this, it doesn't mean that they love their child any less.

 

Thank you to the other people who posted on here - I'm not quite sure how to go back and look at posts while in the middle of writing a message so could only remember the latest one.  Thank you for your support too xxxxx

 

BTW - does anyone else ever get the message "Non matching quote blocks in post" when they are trying to quote other people?  How do you resolve it?  I often have problems with this!

 My husband sounds like yours, he starts arguments over nothing, then usually calms down the next day and comes to see it my way.  Last night we got into a fight because I wanted him to take a 5 hr drive to our house in another city that is on the market to get bins of baby clothes and winter clothes for the kids, and the double stroller.  A few months ago he told me that as I got close to my due date that he would do it.  Last night he said he didn't want to and came up with another option (which involved imposing on somebody else, which I did not want to do).  Talk about irrational, he turned it around and told me, "what kind of wife would want me to do that drive, are you an imposter?", he's nutty.  But we found out a few months ago he has Asperger's Syndrome, so I can't even chalk it up to him just being a pain in the ass anymore.  I also feel trapped.  And I have GD that I'm having another boy too. 

This is my first so i have only had GD with this one. At first i felt pressured to have a boy because my partner said spiteful things like "i don't want a girl, she'll turn out to be a b..tch like her mother" etc. and i knew he felt like he couldn't relate to a girl but with a boy he would have his little mate to play with tools and do boy things with. I'm a very pink girl, love the colour pink and always dreamed of having a girl and doing up the nursery and dressing her in beautiful little outfits so i guess thats the part of me that was shattered more than anything. I have come to terms with carrying a boy now but it did take a long time to get there. I can understand your fear of autism, i can tell you will love him none the less but it still doesn't take away those fears. You want the best for your children and the best for many women would be that they are healthy and can enjopy life to the fullest. Bi-polar disease runs in my partners family, that explains the extreme paranoia and irrational behaviour. There are 2 forms of Bi-Polar, one is depression and one is extreme hyper activity. They have never ending energy, they over think everything, mood swings, extreme temper and anger problems and worst of all they don't know half the time what they are saying or how they are acting. Once they have calmed down they say sorry and they see what they did wrong and that's when i normally go right off at him because he can see the damage he made. I tell him that when he has those temper tantrums all he is doing is making a big mess and when he calms down he has to clean it all up again and try really hard to make ammends for things he said. Glad you posted on here because it's so good to speak to women who or are going through the same things as each other. Might be ifferent circumstances but it all ties in to being treated badly and having to stand up for ourselves and our rights and not let these overcontrolling men break us down and strip us of our dignity. I really feel for those girls who relent to their partners and let them treat them like this without saying a word. Mental and physical attacks from men are becoming way too common!!!! P.S - I know what you mean about loving your partner and then sometimes hating him too. I feel the exact same way. When he is nice i am soo happy. The minute he snaps it all goes away and i really wonder what im doing staying with him. Just wish they would understand their actions. P.S.S - I also know what you mean about actions speaking louder than words. I have given my partner the altimatum a few times now when things really start to get bad. He breaks down and cries. The thing is i do not get any satisfaction from doing it. I wish he could see how much i hate having to get to that point where the only answer is stop your shit or im gone.

 I just went back and reread your post, I didn't realize your DH's family has such a strong history of autism.  Did you ever google "adult asperger's symptoms"? My husband is text-book, he's in therapy now, but it doesn't stop him from behaving the same way, he can't help it, it's a neurological disorder.  I was hoping that this one was a girl after I found out about his AS, but it's a boy, so I just have to pray he doesn't have it.   I see my husband as being irrational, but he is filled with anxiety and the only way that he can minimize his anxiety is to control situations to minimize the feelings of chaos he has.  I am "supposed" to be understanding and supportive, but I have one foot out the door.  Asperger marriages have a 80% divorce rate, so I won't feel like a failure if we do divorce.  I do plan on going to therapy with him, but I'm so busy working to support our family (Asperger's also have an 80% unemployment rate!) that I don't have time for therapy!!!  By the way, he is 47 and if he had early intervention, things would not be this bad, I am sure, so to any moms out there that have kids with AS, I believe fully that early intervention is crucial to leading a normal life.  He feels that way too.  He is very depressed that it took so long to find out.

junior:

"i don't want a girl, she'll turn out to be a b..tch like her mother"

Wow that's harsh!  I hope you told him that you wouldn't be a bitch if he wasn't such an a...hole!

junior:

one is extreme hyper activity. They have never ending energy, they over think everything, mood swings, extreme temper and anger problems and worst of all they don't know half the time what they are saying or how they are acting. Once they have calmed down they say sorry and they see what they did wrong

That is completely my husband!!!!!  He is a really high achiever in work and seems able to control it there but then comes home and vents on me, I think his energy has really helped him to get where he is so this doesn't fit completely with autism or aspergers, he definately fixates on subjects and ideas which had made me previously think of that (especially with the familial link) but the quote above describes him to a tee.  Do you know if the two are related?  I am going to google both aspergers and extreme hyper activity now to see if I can find out more about it but don't know what good it will do me in the long run.  He comes home tonight so I haven't confronted him with the ultimatum yet but I have told him before that he needs anger management / we need to go to counselling etc and he has refused and said that there is nothing wrong with him - that it is all me!

agirlplz:

By the way, he is 47 and if he had early intervention, things would not be this bad, I am sure

How did he finally get diagnosed?  Part of my problem is that my husband thinks there is nothing wrong with him.  He also thinks that his dad doesn't have any autistic tendencies (his mum and his sister have told me individually that he does!) and that his youngest son doesn't either and that he just has a different personality that I can't relate to.  He is in serious denial and I am unsure how to overcome this.  He has such a hectic work life that finding the time to go to a psychologist is honestly going to be really hard for him to do and while I intend giving him an ultimatum that he needs to do this or lose me I have a certain amount of skepticism that this will actually achieve anything.  I want to understand what makes him this way.  Is your husband on any medication for his aspergers and does it help?