I was upset the whole time I was pregnant well since I found out I was having a boy. I never wanted boys and never even though I'd have a boy. I had my good and bad days throughout the pregnancy. Some days I was excited and some I just wanted to wish him away and even had thoughts of adoption. I wish I was one that could come on here and say that it was all in vain and I fell instantly in love, but I'm not. It seems when you read most peoples stories on here thats how they feel. ButI thought I'd share my labor story and how I'm feeling now
First of all my labor did not go as planned. I was 3 days overdue and woke up at 5:30am in labor. I thought I would have a long time to wait so I took a bath and by the time I got out I was hurting so bad I couldn't walk so I headed right to the hospital. By the time I got there and got checked I was dilated 4. My midwife showed up about 45mins later and I was 7. By this time I was terrified that I was progressing so fast I wouldn't get an epidural. I didn't realize women could just wake up in hard labor with no signs of labor espeically with their first baby but of course that's how it happend with me. There was a woman across the hall who had been there for 6 hrs and only dilated to 3 and she was supposed to get an epi but because I was progressing so fast they took the cart and gave me one first lol. I feel sorry for her but I was terrified of a labor with no pain relief. After I got the epi I got checked and was a 9 and my midwife broke my water. She came back a few mins later and it was time to push. I pushed and pushed and pushed with all my might but the baby wouldn't desend into the birth canal and his heart rate was dropping. I was only in labor for 3hrs and then pushed for an hour and had to end up having an emergency c section.
A csection was my worst fear and it ended up being reality for me :( I didn't even have time to think about it I was rushed back and prepped and he was out a few mins later. My sister was in the room with me because the baby's father didn't come. She was the first to hold him not me :( I was staring at him as she held him. He was screaming so loud, the only thing I really noticed about him was his mouth looked huge and he was huge. I found out he weighed 8lb and 13 oz.They took him away and sewed me up an I went down to recovery for an hour. The whole time I was laying down there it just seemed surreal.
So I finally go back to my room and most of my family had already seen the baby and left. I held him and guess what.He looks just like his father :( People were coming in and out all day long to see him. I really just wanted to rest and felt horrible. Everyone acted excited to see him and acted likeit was great he was here but I'm sure people were just acting. Most of the time I was in the hospital I had the nurses keep him in thenursery unless I was feeding him. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 nights and was sohappy when I finally got to go home.
I feel so jipped. I had to havea csection. I still had to feel all the pain from labor too and I didn't even get to hold him for a while. I don't feel like it's fair. No woman in my family has ever had to have a csection.
Well 2 days after he was born his father finally came to see him. He wouldn't come to the hospital because my family was there and they all hate him and understandably so. All he did was cause problems and argue with me. He took some pics of the baby and I'm sure it was to show everyone how the baby didn't look like him or some bs. He stayed a few mins, barely held the baby, bitched because I didn't name him after him and he left. And I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure I will soon because I filled out paperwork for a DNA test and child support though.
But anyways, my feelings about the baby whos name is Ben btw are mixed. Some days I love him to death and think he's so adorable and others I wish I would have never gotten pregnant with him. I feel mad thinking about his birth and how everything went wrong. It wasn't even an enjoyable experience. I do love him though. He's mine and he is a cutie. But I'm still not sure if I feel how I should feel. I do wish he was a girl. I would have felt like it was more worth it. I do like being a mom but I feel like stress is a big part of how I feel. I do just breakdown and cry sometimes and I probably have ppd. I still feel like I want to adopt him out sometimes but I would miss him. I really hope in time that we become close and he becomes a little mamas boy. I mean it's only been 2 weeks and 2 days so I know I need to give it time.
But that's our story. Not exactly a fairytale ending but not as bad as I had imagined it to be.
Here are some pics of him: