My GD baby 2 weeks old

 I was upset the whole time I was pregnant well since I found out I was having a boy. I never wanted boys and never even though I'd have a boy. I had my good and bad days throughout the pregnancy. Some days I was excited and some I just wanted to wish him away and even had thoughts of adoption. I wish I was one that could come on here and say that it was all in vain and I fell instantly in love, but I'm not. It seems when you read most peoples stories on here thats how they feel. ButI thought I'd share my labor story and how I'm feeling now

 First of all my labor did not go as planned. I was 3 days overdue and woke up at 5:30am in labor. I thought I would have a long time to wait so I took a bath and by the time I got out I was hurting so bad I couldn't walk so I headed right to the hospital. By the time I got there and got checked I was dilated 4. My midwife showed up about 45mins later and I was 7. By this time I was terrified that I was progressing so fast I wouldn't get an epidural. I didn't realize women could just wake up in hard labor with no signs of labor espeically with their first baby but of course that's how it happend with me. There was a woman across the hall who had been there for 6 hrs and only dilated to 3 and she was supposed to get an epi but because I was progressing so fast they took the cart and gave me one first lol. I feel sorry for her but I was terrified of a labor with no pain relief. After I got the epi I got checked and was a 9 and my midwife broke my water. She came back a few mins later and it was time to push. I pushed and pushed and pushed with all my might but the baby wouldn't desend into the birth canal and his heart rate was dropping. I was only in labor for 3hrs and then pushed for an hour and had to end up having an emergency c section.

A csection was my worst fear and it ended up being reality for me :( I didn't even have time to think about it I was rushed back and prepped and he was out a few mins later. My sister was in the room with me because the baby's father didn't come. She was the first to hold him not me :( I was staring at him as she held him. He was screaming so loud, the only thing I really noticed about him was his mouth looked huge and he was huge. I found out he weighed 8lb and 13 oz.They took him away and sewed me up an I went down to recovery for an hour. The whole time I was laying down there it just seemed surreal.

So I finally go back to my room and most of my family had already seen the baby and left. I held him and guess what.He looks just like his father :( People were coming in and out all day long to see him. I really just wanted to rest and felt horrible. Everyone acted excited to see him and acted likeit was great he was here but I'm sure people were just acting. Most of the time I was in the hospital I had the nurses keep him in thenursery unless I was feeding him. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 nights and was sohappy when I finally got to go home.

 I feel so jipped. I had to havea  csection. I still had to feel all the pain from labor too and I didn't even get to hold him for a while. I don't feel like it's fair. No woman in my family has ever had to have a csection.

Well 2 days after he was born his father finally came to see him. He wouldn't come to the hospital because my family was there and they all hate him and understandably so. All he did was cause problems and argue with me. He took some pics of the baby and I'm sure it was to show everyone how the baby didn't look like him or some bs. He stayed a few mins, barely held the baby, bitched because I didn't name him after him and he left. And I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure I will soon because I filled out paperwork for a DNA test and child support though.

But anyways, my feelings about the baby whos name is Ben btw are mixed. Some days I love him to death and think he's so adorable and others I wish I would have never gotten pregnant with him. I feel mad thinking about his birth and how everything went wrong. It wasn't even an enjoyable experience. I do love him though. He's mine and he is a cutie.  But I'm still not sure if I feel how I should feel. I do wish he was a girl. I would have felt like it was more worth it. I do like being a mom but I feel like stress is a big part of how I feel. I do just breakdown and cry sometimes and I probably have ppd. I still feel like I want to adopt him out sometimes but I would miss him. I really hope in time that we become close and he becomes a little mamas boy. I mean it's only been 2 weeks and 2 days so I know I need to give it time.

But that's our story. Not exactly a fairytale ending but not as bad as I had imagined it to be. 

Here are some pics of him:

I am sorry thisngs have not gone as planned..Wish it was better..

There is a a post that someone did recently that had GD with ...so alot of ladies like myself, posted all the wonderful things that they do I know it if you read through them it will change your mind.

I will see if I can find it...I a mnew to this...If someone could help me find the post I am talking about~ that would be great!

I was disappointed today to learn I was having a boy. <---- that's the title of the post it was back on 3/15 ~ check it out I am sure it will change your mind about

kellypalmer:

I'm sorry things didn't go as planned. I want to smack your midwife for breaking your water :(. So many women get PPD...please seek help if you do think that you have it. There are a variety of different ways to treat PPD and I'm sure you can find something that would help! I think it's normal to have mixed GD feelings after the birth. I hope that each day you feel more and more happy about him being a boy and less and less wishing that he was a girl. Enjoy this special time with your precious new baby and be gentle on yourself.

Thanks. Things always go wrong for me it seems. I'm not as sad about him being a boy as I thought I'd be but it's definately still there. I do think he's super adorable and I don't have bad feelings towards him. I know none of this is his fault. I'm trying to be a good mom and bond with him but I just think for me it's gonna take some time. 

((HUGS))  I'm sorry you had such a hard labor , c-section and the past 2wks.  Just remember that the first 3 months with your baby are the hardest!!  It gets easier and your hopefully your hormones calm down soon too.  I had an emergency c-sect after 22hrs of labor and I was upset also.  You will start to bond with him when he starts to interact with you more and you start to relax and enjoy him. Let your OBGYN know how you are feeling at your next visit so he/she can watch for signs of ppd.  Good luck and post a pic of your new lil guy if you get a chance

prayingforaprincess2010:

((HUGS))  I'm sorry you had such a hard labor , c-section and the past 2wks.  Just remember that the first 3 months with your baby are the hardest!!  It gets easier and your hopefully your hormones calm down soon too.  I had an emergency c-sect after 22hrs of labor and I was upset also.  You will start to bond with him when he starts to interact with you more and you start to relax and enjoy him. Let your OBGYN know how you are feeling at your next visit so he/she can watch for signs of ppd.  Good luck and post a pic of your new lil guy if you get a chance

Yeah I never realized how hard it really is. And I'm just now finally starting to feel better. I will definately talk to my doctor at my next visit. I don't feel like it's extreme. I was more upset when I was pregnant and my happiness kind of comes and goes. I think I really haven't had time to adjust to everything yet to know how I really feel. BTW I added pics to the original post :)

 god hes adorable

What a sweetheart! He's precious.

I'm sorry you had a rough labor Especially having to end up having a c-section after an hour of pushing! From your post it sounds like you definitely love him even though he's not the girl you were hoping for. I'm sure you'll bond with him in time, and since it doesn't sound like his father will be a very big part of his life (if at all), I'm sure he'll end up being a total mama's boy.

Enjoy your new baby, I hope you get the help for your ppd and you start feeling better.

 Congratulations on the birth of your son!  He is ADORABLE   I love his cheeks - reminds me of my own baby.

I just wanted to add that IMO most people have labours that don't go as 'planned' - I think it is the minority that get the 'dreamy perfect labour'.  I had a difficult birth too - but try & remember it is the end product that counts. You have a wonderful healthy baby boy!

Baby boys are just delightful!  Enjoy every moment of him - you will blink and he will be  walking, it all goes so quickly.

ShyLove:

But anyways, my feelings about the baby whos name is Ben btw are mixed. Some days I love him to death and think he's so adorable and others I wish I would have never gotten pregnant with him. I feel mad thinking about his birth and how everything went wrong. It wasn't even an enjoyable experience. I do love him though. He's mine and he is a cutie.  But I'm still not sure if I feel how I should feel. I do wish he was a girl. I would have felt like it was more worth it. I do like being a mom but I feel like stress is a big part of how I feel. I do just breakdown and cry sometimes and I probably have ppd. I still feel like I want to adopt him out sometimes but I would miss him. I really hope in time that we become close and he becomes a little mamas boy. I mean it's only been 2 weeks and 2 days so I know I need to give it time.

And I understand  how you feel.. I felt exactly like this after having my firs son. I had a terrible delivery, like yours everything went wrong. I lost a lot of blood and were in so much pain and ended up with a son who looked just like his father.. and wondered whats there for me??! I did love him but at the same time grieving the daughter I thougth he was (he was a deliveryroom suprise). I was so ashamed of it so I did not tell anyone about my feelings (didnt know about GD or IG, I thought I was a freak..) and it was a huge misstake. I think it is so good that you are wrighting here and that you will talk to your doctor. And youll see, in time you will heal from this experience! I know I have and I never thougth I would.. Give your self the time and come here to vent whenever you have to!

Oh honey....it will be okay, I promise. But it sounds like you're a "lifer" GD like me...I still had it after DS1 was born...I had a harder time bonding with him and I still wished he was a girl. Bit here I am, almost four years down the line, and I can say honestly that I wouldn't trade him now. Just wait until your amazing, beautiful little boy gives you his first smile, or first hug, or first I love you....it gets soooooo much better, honestly! It will be okay, and if you want to talk privately please PM me.

It's going to be ok! But you may feel the GD for a long time...just know that it will become less and less the more your child grows until it is just a little flicker that you think about every few months. When you get your first smiles, when he laughs, when he hugs you and kisses you for the first time, when he says I love you mum for the first time, your heart will be melted and things will be okay. The postpartum period it really tough! hang in there, and if you need to talk, please PM me...I have dealt with EGD for years.