Coping with EXTREME Husband GD

Finally! After 3 long years of failed fertility treatments and a lot of heartache, I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. A lot races through your mind, but the most exciting thought was "It's a Boy". My husband and I had always envisioned our little family of three, a son and the two of us. At 17 weeks we paid for a sex determination ultrasound, and found out we needed to change our course of thinking, as "It's a Girl". 

I am now 23 weeks along today. Since week 17 my pregnancy has been very difficult to enjoy. Immediately my husband threw out the idea of aborting the baby, and trying again for a boy. Trust me, I had awful awful thoughts, and considered his suggestion for a second. I realized that I was going to love this baby no matter what, girl or boy. The idea of baby girl has grown on me, but not my husband.

As my stomach rounds out and gets bigger my husband is disgusted by me more by each passing moment and inch. He talks about how he hates his life now, and it is ruined because of this baby. He is not interested in me at all, and resents the baby I am carrying. He is upset about the weight I am gaining (BTW- I am on track for normal pregnancy weight). Bottom line he is not happy with this baby  girl and told me last night that it's his mission in life to make this baby girl's life a living h*ll, to give it the hardest time ever. (I addressed this comment since originally posting- and he says that is not really what he meant, and that is not what he would do)

I told him that I loved him, and that I wanted this family. He told me that he did not, I asked him if he wanted us to be done and for me to walk away with this baby now?- He replied "I am not stopping you". Already with emotions high, this is hard to handle. I got married to stay married, and I do love my husband. But the way he talks, and treats me right now is scary. Even more scary, is what happens when I bring this little girl into the world. 

Suggested ways to handle this situation? My heart aches and I don't know what to do. Please, I am open to your support and opinions. God Bless.

 **since this AM I have been responding through all the reply's...click on my posts to read all my opinions/ DH updates. I am sticking through his EGD to see if he can find a way to be the man I married and the wondeful father he is capable of**

toblvd:

Bottom line he hates this baby and told me last night that it's his mission in life to make this baby girl's life a living h*ll, to give it the hardest time ever.

Aside from the fact he's treating you like crap and that's TOTALLY unacceptable...  If my DH EVER dared to threaten one of my children in this way, I wouldn't be walking away from our marriage - I'd be running as fast as my legs could carry me.

You have a responsibility to your daughter.  Whether she was what you always dreamed of or not, you both created her and she is here now, alive and kicking.  It is up to YOU to give her the best life possible.  And your DHs threat to make her life a living Hell is not funny or acceptable in the slightest...

SevenfromHeaven:

Aside from the fact he's treating you like crap and that's TOTALLY unacceptable...  If my DH EVER dared to threaten one of my children in this way, I wouldn't be walking away from our marriage - I'd be running as fast as my legs could carry me.

You have a responsibility to your daughter.  Whether she was what you always dreamed of or not, you both created her and she is here now, alive and kicking.  It is up to YOU to give her the best life possible.  And your DHs threat to make her life a living Hell is not funny or acceptable in the slightest...

Agree!!! No way in h#ll I would ever stay w/ dh if he threatened my children in ANY WAY!! Screw marriage at that point, I'd be more focused on saving the lives of you and your dd. What a jerk....I am so sorry. And what he is saying to you is COMPLETELY unnacceptable and hateful!!! YOU are carrying his child. Wrong. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel worse (which i know i am....so so sorry), but I call it like I see it. No marriage should/will ever work with dynamics like this.

Do you have family you could be with for a while to get your thoughts sorted out?? This is an unhealthy relationship for you to be in and can be damaging to your unborn child. Some might suggest counseling, but I don't think he is the type worthy of it, but you know him best! That's your call. You have a precious baby girl growing inside you, it is your responsiblity to take care of her and nurture her, regardless what the father says/does. Save yourself some pain and heartache in the future, and do what you think is right and necessary NOW.

 No I agree with SevenfromHeaven, your husband's behaviour is very disturbing/alarming and I think he definitely needs to get some councilling ASAP! My DP was initially shocked with this pregnancy (it was an oops pregnancy, we hadn't even been together a year and he just didn't feel 'ready') and did, in earlier, sillier moments, throw about ideas like abortion. I never entertained him for a second. We found out the baby was a little boy (I have a two and a half year old son from a previous relationship) and I suspect DP wanted a little girl, but he has gradually come round and now, when I am 30 weeks pregnant, he has bought a three bedroom flat and been frantically getting it ready for us to be a 'family'. He loves this wee guy more than anything now and even though we didn't 'plan' this, I know he would be devastated if something happened to our baby, despite his initial feelings. I can understand you wanting to stand by your husband, but this baby is depending on you to protect it. Your first duty is to your baby and I absolutely agree with SevenFromHeaven, you must have always known that there was a chance this baby could be a girl, from the moment of conception. I urge you to give your husband an ultimatum, to get help and buck up his ideas or you will walk. What's worse, the thought of living without him or the thought of living with him if he becomes abusive towards you and this baby? I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before and it is hell. Please don't put a child through this. 

This is the crazest thing ive heard all week. How dare your husband threaten an unborn child. So that means you will not be able to leave the baby with him while you go and do stuff bcuz god only knows what he would proberly do to it. i suggest you go and stay with your family or friends untill you know it is safe for you and the baby to be around that man. I cant believe his going to destroy his marrige over gender. how sad. and whose to say that if you abort this child that the next ones going to be a boy, so whats he gonna do?? Keep aborting till he gets his gender desire. HAVING CHILDREN NOT A GAME,BUT A RESPONSIBILITY!!!!

First and foremost- I do WANT to protect my baby and myself. In my heart, I don't want to leave. What if when this bundle of joy finally arrives she melts his heart, and he forgets all this nonsense. I want to give him that chance. I don't want this difficult situation, but I believe in marriage, and I believe in my husband. I pray he becomes the man I know he is, steps up to his responsiblities, and chooses to love this little girl.

I can pray and hope all I want. I am open to counseling etc, but knowing him, he has no interest. I would walk away if he truly wanted me to (or if this was necessary to protect both baby girl and I). I know I could support both my daughter and I. I have plenty of love and support for the both of us. I have a hard time grasping that is what he would want. I don't think it is. He is struggling with is faith right now, and is upset at God for a girl vs. boy.

I offered fertility gender selection for the next time around, but he doesn't want more than one chlid. Views this baby girl and the beginning to the end. Is it possible that he will feel this way during the pregnancy, but after she is here, my body bounces back, that he finds love inside?

Suggestions, or thoughts on how to stay, make it work, and help husband see the light? I really want to exercise all options before leaving. Unless he determines this is what he wants....

 Thanks for your support.

 It is absolutely possible he will feel differently when he holds that baby in his arms. As I mentioned in my PP, my partner was very negative about this pregnancy and is only just recently coming round. Many men find it hard to bond with a baby when it is not a *real* concept for them, and by that I mean something they cannot see or hold or experience from themselves. However, with that being said, your husband's negativity is at such a level that I do fear for the safety of your child if he does not feel differently after birth. Ultimately only you actually know what he is like and you are probably the best judge at how serious and with what intent the comment about making your daughter's life 'hell' was actually meant. Perhaps you could try mediation or involving a neutral third party with whom your husband might be more open/comfortable discussing his feelings? Perhaps he should consider seeking medical help for his feelings (which could be linked to depression)? Many women suffer from Post-Natal Depression after the birth of their child (I was one of them), and a few even suffer from puerperal psychosis where they hallucinate and believe they want to hurt their children. These are medical conditions that require help and support and not condemnation, and it is very possible that your husband's feelings of hatred towards the child stem from a similar place, but I think you need to make him seek pychiatric help to establish WHY he feels like this. None of the women on this site are trying to be judgemental or negative but from your original post, we obviously share grave concerns about your child's safety, and yours, should your husband's behaviour continue. I still think an ultimatum might encourage him to take action. I don't think you can continue in your marriage with things the way they are and simply *hope* that things change when the baby is born. You need to try and solve this problem now. I'm sorry, but it is for your own safety and sanity that I hope you can convince your husband to get help NOW. 

I understand, and appreciate all feedback. Believe me I am soaking it all in. I am very emotional right now, and obviously DH's displacement and anger at this point has been frustrating and hurtful to me. I want to do what is best for both Baby and I. Every action I take is going to be hard, nothing easy about this situation. Thanks to everyone who responds and for your support. I am watching my post all day to take it all in.

Do you have someone nearby that you trust to babysit for you when you need it, since you may not be able to trust your husband?  Honestly I think it's crazy that after so many fertility problems that your husband couldn't just be happy with any baby, but oh well.  Have you sat down and talked to him about why he is so much against a girl?  And why he wouldn't be willing to have more than one child so you could have the girl to hang out with and then you can give him a boy for his needs as well?  Maybe you could try to make him sentimental about having a daughter by pointing out all the ways a daughter could mean something to him.  You know like all of the "Daddy's Little Girl" stuff.  I'm a little sad that he's willing to ruin your marriage because of a poor innocent baby.  If he's okay with you walking out, maybe you need to work on your marriage a little bit too?  Because nothing should come between that bond if the promises he made were really sincere.  There may come a point though where you will have to choose between your husband and your daughter, do you know what you would choose then?     

Oh this just makes me want to cry! I know this is tough for you. I can understand the desire to make things work with your DH. However this child is your blood. Blood is thicker than water. She may not have been the desired gender, but she deserved a chance at the best life you can provide for her. That may mean a life without a father. I don't know your husband, but the comments he has already made against this child, I would not trust him alone with her. There are too many abused children in the world as it is. I would try counseling. If you can't get him on board with that then great, if not then aat least you can go and have someone to talk to. I will be saying lots of prayers for you and hope all ends up well. But please remember she needs to be your top priority now!

My thoughts and prayers go out to you during this difficult time.  I am speechless.  I can't imagine dealing with infertility for three years, finally getting pregnant and having my husband not just jump for joy!  With what he has said to this point... I would not be living in that house.  Moving out doesn't have to be a permanent solution but I would never let ANYONE talk to me... about my child or not... like he has.  I don't give a cr*p what emotions he's going through.  He needs to grow up!  This situation is actually VERY scary to me.

Please keep us posted!  Good Luck!

omg, mansoirresponsible  :( be  strong, m sure he  wudthat . dnt let himtreatu bad, if he is like that at least leave him  until he gets   bk on track

Firstly, yes this s really bad behaviour of your husband and how he is making you feel as this is a time when you need him to support you, however, we are here because we all have one thing in common, we suffer with gd. Men generally do not bond with baby's before they are born (i know this is not all men, but it is very common). I think this is likely to be the case with your husband. He does not know his daughter yet. He does not feel her move, she is not inside of him kwim! To him, she is trying to replace his son. The dream he always had. Obviously you know protecting your daughter is what's important here, but I think your husband will be a different man when he meets his daughter. You hear many women on this board that have similar feelings to what he is having, I was one of them a while ago! He has already shown that he does have feelings for this baby as a termination was out of the question as far as he was concerned. Try to make him understand that you wre disappointed too and you need him to be there for you. I really hope you can work things out with him so you can both start enjoying your pregnancy x

 First of all, i'd be downright scared if my DH ever said anything like that to me. Knowing it is a 50/50 chance (pretty much) on gender each time you get pregnant...he should have known a possibilty for a girl. Talk to him again...and if he says the same thing or something similiar...don't walk, run...run as far away as you can. That's crazy talk! Why risk your child's life? 

This is very upsetting!

I just cannot understand any Man who would say those things and really mean it He isnt supporting you at all or your feelings

You say what if he changes when shes born but what if he dosent? What if he hurt her? or hurt you?

Im sorry but i dont believe marriage should be stuck at  when its a relationship like that

I just cant understand this whole extreme GD when someone hates there child some other Man out there would love a newborn daughter

I think hes being very selfish and i think you need to stop making excuses for him and get yourself out of there i believe this is just the start GD never seems to just disapear when a babies born he will want to try again for a son and what if he gets yet another daughter?

I hope and pray this all works out ok for the unborn baby involved :(