Getting Something Off My Chest

I know I haven't been a frequent poster, I guess maybe I thought my GD was better but then again I have an almost 1 yo who keeps me very busy. I am grateful for this board so I have a place to share my feelings. I just found out that my SIL is probably having a girl. DH's cousin just had a girl last month. I know that MIL is over the moon about it and no way would she have been that excited or ever would be if we had a girl. I hate that my son is going to be ignored now that there is one baby girl and another one on the way in his family. DH says it won't happen but I know it will. They're so excited to have a girl in the family and I know MIL is thrilled to have a granddaughter. Is it wrong to hope the U/S was wrong?

I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving, the day after is Joshua's birthday party and I'm trying to be excited about that. I hope that at least that day will be all about him, it hasn't been that way for a while. We live 2 hours from DH's family and they never come up here. We always have to go there and it's really getting on my nerves. I am trying to get my mom to move closer so we don't have to travel as much and specifically so we don't have to see DH's family. My mom lives near DH's family so we always have to see both my mom and his family when we go. I'm sorry for rambling. It's just bad timing, I am trying to be excited about the bittersweet first birthday of my baby and now I get this stinkin' news. I know she's going to throw it in my face every chance she gets since she knows how badly I wanted a girl, she's a b*tch as it is and this is just going to make her even more of one. Oh yeah and DH's family has never treated me like family and never will. I'm just DH's wife and Joshua's mommy. It's not fair since I have gone out of my way for them. Both MIL & SIL have an album full of pics of Joshua, every time we go visit I give them photos. They've gotten 5 framed photos of him and are getting another for Christmas. Why do I go out of my way when they don't care? Thanks for letting me ramble and vent.

*hug*

I hope you are wrong and your sweet boy will be just as special when his cousin comes along.

Hi Elizabeth. Ok, I'll tell you a story, and you can take from it what you will:

With my first kid, I had a boy. My husband is one of three boys, no sisters. Anyways, his 2 brothers have a b/g combo, and then 2boys/2girls. So everyone had one of each, except me and my DH. I had mild GD with my ds1, but it went away fairly quickly after I had him. Anyways, we went for # 2, and low and behold, it was a boy! I was so crushed, and it took me a few months to bond with him. It was awful. Anways, with my 2 sons last year, we went to Xmas dinner on his side, and my SILs both made their comments about the cute dresses their DDs were wearing, and the adorable girl clothes, etc. I bit my tongue (on a normal day, I'd blatantly roll my eyes or make a smarty comment.) However, that ALWAYS fueled them to say more. So that Xmas, I decided NOT to let ANY of it get to me...I KILLED them with kindness, and it worked like a charm! I agreed with them: yes, Jessica, Lara and Kristen looked BEAUTIFUL, and that was it. I smiled ALL DAY LONG, proudly taking care of my sons. They never said a word again, and I came off as the bigger person, even though it was hard, and I was hurting.

2 months later I found out I was pg and had the news of "it's a girl" and I actually never ONCE rubbed it into their faces. They said countless times, "Looks like you're destined for only boys" or they'd say, "Too bad you guys didn't get the girl" and they looked like idiots when I shared my u/s news on my third. Incidentally, not ONE of my BIL or SILs said, "How awesome! Yeah for you" ...nope. It was a simple "Congrats" and that was it.

People GET OFF on feeling superior, and feeling smug. Those people are lacking something in their lives. I say, take the high road, smile all day long, and enjoy your Thanksgiving and Joshua's birthday. Two occassions to CELEBRATE. Don't let haters get to you.

Rein&Sonshines:

Hi Elizabeth. Ok, I'll tell you a story, and you can take from it what you will:

With my first kid, I had a boy. My husband is one of three boys, no sisters. Anyways, his 2 brothers have a b/g combo, and then 2boys/2girls. So everyone had one of each, except me and my DH. I had mild GD with my ds1, but it went away fairly quickly after I had him. Anyways, we went for # 2, and low and behold, it was a boy! I was so crushed, and it took me a few months to bond with him. It was awful. Anways, with my 2 sons last year, we went to Xmas dinner on his side, and my SILs both made their comments about the cute dresses their DDs were wearing, and the adorable girl clothes, etc. I bit my tongue (on a normal day, I'd blatantly roll my eyes or make a smarty comment.) However, that ALWAYS fueled them to say more. So that Xmas, I decided NOT to let ANY of it get to me...I KILLED them with kindness, and it worked like a charm! I agreed with them: yes, Jessica, Lara and Kristen looked BEAUTIFUL, and that was it. I smiled ALL DAY LONG, proudly taking care of my sons. They never said a word again, and I came off as the bigger person, even though it was hard, and I was hurting.

2 months later I found out I was pg and had the news of "it's a girl" and I actually never ONCE rubbed it into their faces. They said countless times, "Looks like you're destined for only boys" or they'd say, "Too bad you guys didn't get the girl" and they looked like idiots when I shared my u/s news on my third. Incidentally, not ONE of my BIL or SILs said, "How awesome! Yeah for you" ...nope. It was a simple "Congrats" and that was it.

People GET OFF on feeling superior, and feeling smug. Those people are lacking something in their lives. I say, take the high road, smile all day long, and enjoy your Thanksgiving and Joshua's birthday. Two occassions to CELEBRATE. Don't let haters get to you.

What a great story! SO glad you got to tell those B's that you were expecting a girl too!

Thanks, Rein. You're right and I will try. It will eat me up inside though but I never say anything anyway. DH's family is always right and I'm always wrong. It's part of the reason I don't want to be there. It's always been like that.

You're def. right that something is missing from their lives. SIL & BIL live in a 2 bdrm trailer with barely enough room for them as it is, we still have no idea how they're going to fit a baby into the mix. They are very tight on money as it is, no idea how they can afford a baby. As soon as she found out I was pg she was bound and determined to have another baby and 18 months later she was expecting. Her husband is a nasty guy, he calls himself Satan. He didn't want the first kid let alone another. No idea how she talked him into it. Here's how I pictured it "Oh please can we have another, I promise to take care of it! You won't have to do anything!" He didn't do anything with the first. So now she'll be a single mom of two. The first, DS, is spoiled rotten and will be no help with another baby. He's going to drive them nuts. I am going to enjoy that part.

Anyway, thanks for your story. I hope that someday I get a girl too and can share a similar feeling with you.

I just wanted to add that my son, although I love him dearly, hasn't been the easiest baby and now we've discovered that he has some developmental delays. I guess that makes it hard. I envy those who have easy babies and my birth board girls who have babies that are meeting their milestones when mine isn't. I know you're not supposed to compare but how can you not when you're on a board and hear about all the things other babies are doing. I have gotten some support from them but most of them don't understand GD. One girl had it when she was pg and found out she was having a boy but has since prayed that she would lose those feelings and says she has. She now says that she's fine with not having a girl, if she's supposed to be a mom to boys then she's okay with it. I'm glad for her but it doesn't help me, yk?

BTW, my family isn't any better. I have a half sister and half brother and niether of them have met Joshua. I haven't seen my brother in 4 years and my sister in 5. I have only seen my sister's oldest DD at my baby shower and then at Joshua's naming. It's so hard when you feel like your kid isn't important and you aren't important. Now it feels like my mom is choosing a cat over me & her grandson b/c the place we found for her will only take one cat and she has two. She can't find a place for the cat and the shelters she called told her the cat would get depressed and die if she left it with them.

betsy0040:

I just wanted to add that my son, although I love him dearly, hasn't been the easiest baby and now we've discovered that he has some developmental delays. I guess that makes it hard. I envy those who have easy babies and my birth board girls who have babies that are meeting their milestones when mine isn't. I know you're not supposed to compare but how can you not when you're on a board and hear about all the things other babies are doing. I have gotten some support from them but most of them don't understand GD.

I could have written this.  It is sooo hard when you didn't get what you wanted and then have a baby with delays, too.  My son had A LOT of delays.  As I have posted before, they thought he had a brain tumor, he was so far behind (still not talking at 3).  We were basically told to hope that it was... because if it wasn't, he would never speak.  Not a nice thing to hear. 

At first, it made my GD (Gender desire) flair (not about him... I worshiped him, but just about wanting a "normal girl").  Once we got to the discussion about the brain tumor, the GD disappeared for years.  Funny how scaring you to death and making you worry about losing your child has a way of fixing the other issues.  lol.  Things are good now... but it was hard.  It took years to make him into a "normal boy."  I hate the term "normal" but I guess that is what you are working it.  There are still speech and attention issues... but he is doing well!

1 thing... just as someone who has never had GD can't fully understand it, someone who hasn't had a developmentally delayed child can't understand it either.  They can be empathetic, they can try to be there for you... but they can't understand what is going on in your head or in your life or in your heart.  Surround yourself with people who can.  You will need them for your journey.  They will be there to pick you up when you are worried and cheer with you when something little happens.  In a journey with a delayed child... the little things are HUGE things and you want people who know that... and CHEER LOUDLY for you.  :o)) 

I will keep you and your son in my prayers.  Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat!!  Hugs!!!!!

Thank you so much for your post, Bekah!!!

Ahh, I'm sorry for your situation. I can totally understand, as I bet most of us here can in many ways. I have a sister who is just awful with her gloating about having a dd and a ds. It's kind of sad... but a tad funny (to me, anyway) that her dd is turning out a lot like my sister. She is a VERY hard child. She is more interested in herself and what she wants more than anything or anyone else. Whether she gets it by tantrums or plain old meaness. I'm not exaggerating either. Both of my parents have come to me to vent frustration and saddness with this little girl. It's funny they don't see it as much in my sister- but it's the same selfishness, imo. It really is sad and I hope my niece is bright enough to overcome this personality quirk but it's unlikely given her parents' indulgences to her. So... all that to say, even though we worry about things/relationships/events with an eye always on gender's impact- SO much else rides on it. As I endure Thanksgiving with my sister this year I will think of you everytime my niece makes me smile.

blessed2havekids:

well he is the only boy in the family so maybe he will be spoiled!

Actually, he's not. SIL has a 5yo old DS. Thanks, anyway. She & her family may soon be freeloading off of MIL since we have no idea how they can maintain their household with the extra expenses of a baby.

betsy0040:

blessed2havekids:

well he is the only boy in the family so maybe he will be spoiled!

Actually, he's not. SIL has a 5yo old DS. Thanks, anyway. She & her family may soon be freeloading off of MIL since we have no idea how they can maintain their household with the extra expenses of a baby.