Feeling angry today

Hi ladies. I went for my gender scan on Friday and was told it's another boy. I am so disappointed, I cried outside the gynae's office, much to my husbands disgust (of course, he has 2 sons now, why should he be upset??!) I thought I had a really good sway, my pregnancy was so different this time round, I have felt ill for the first 15 weeks, but thought well it must be a girl to feel this bad, so knew it would be worth it! Everyone I met said 'oh, you are feeling so sick this time, it must be a girl', all the signs were there but no, he is very obviously a boy.

The real reason for me wanting a girl so bad was I lost my mom, my best friend, when my first son was 6 months old. It has effected me in such a big way, she left when I needed her most and I have had to fumble my way along being a mom for the first time. I have no sisters, aunts, grandma's, my MIL is no use anyway, even though she is 10,000 kilometres away, no close friends who have children and to top it off my SIL is having her first - of course a girl. I feel so depressed, it wasn't about pink dresses and ribbons (although of course that would've been lovely) it was about having that mother-daughter realtionship that is now gone, a closeness with another female and yes, being able to do those girly things. I feel so cheated, I see woman with girls who still have their moms (and some even with grandma's!!) and think why couldn't that have been me! Am I so bad that I didn't deserve a little girl, I wanted to name her after my mom, put her in the beautiful knitted outfits my mom made when we didn't know the gender of my first child, outfits she had never seen anyone in! There are dresses from when I was a baby, I wanted to use these on my daughter, and now they sit in a drawer. I feel like I am being punished, as if my pain isn't enough I have to go on suffering. I know it's insane but I somehow felt my mom would be coming back to me if I had a girl. I know she would never have replaced my mom, but it was that female energy.

I have told people that I am having my second son, and have already had 'aren't you disappointed' or 'don't worry you will get it right next time' but I don't think there will be a next time. I only wanted 2 children and I very much doubt now, after swaying, that I can even have girls. It just hurts so much. I have always tried to be a good person, I have helped my SIL out with so much stuff as they are struggling for money, even though it pained me as she is having a girl, and told me 'how delighted she was that she wasn't having a boy', and now I realise it doesn't make the slightest difference. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband and we are financially well off, but I would live in a 2 bedroomed house if I could have a daughter. I am struggling to think of me as a boy mom.

Sorry for rambling so long x

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. I can tell you it will get better. Ya know having another boy isn't all that bad. I have three and they are each other's best friends. They do everything together and for each other. They make sure each other is not late for school, they finish each others sentences, they look to each other for help with their homework, I could go on and on. Of course they come to me too but my point is they will have each other. What a gift that is! I know you probably don't want to hear this right now but I just wanted to point out some good things about your situation and you say you have a big house, you don't have to be done having kids you could always try again or even try high tech and have a guarantee for the daughter you've always wanted. You said you were well off so it sounds like that could be an option. It does sound to me like your having some very painful feelings about the loss of your mother and trying to recreate that bond you long for, have you thought about counseling? I am in counseling with my whole family right now and have been in counseling most of my life and it has helped me tremendously. Idk, I hope things get easier for you and you can find peace though!

I'm sorry you didn't get your girl.

I hear you so loud and clear!  Every one kept saying its a girl, its a girl... I even did intelligender 2X and got girl but low and behold I am going to have another boy.  Right now I feel as though I should just give up on my dream of having that mother daughter relationship.  If I stop now 2 boys wont be too bad but if I continue and sway for a girl next and it ends up a boy how could I even deal, when hearing #2 was a boy tore me to pieces. 

I look at those families with 2-3 girls wanting a boy and all I can think is at least you got your mother/daughter thing going on while me Im stuck with 2 boys.  I cant say there are ways to get over the diappointment or even to trust that another will be a girl because well I dont feel any hope for myself so how could I tell someone else it will be okay. 

I do pray that for both our sakes when we hold our sons in our hands we will forget that we even thought he could be a girl or that we could even want a girl.  And like every one says there is always next time (not something you want to hear when you were planning on finishing with 2). 

Hope things get brighter for you and well if you have to, steal your SILs daughter,  I always do (just for the weekend though, then when she gets crabby from being all sweetened up and spoiled I hand her back). 

samstheman:

I cried outside the gynae's office, much to my husbands disgust (of course, he has 2 sons now, why should he be upset??!) I thought I had a really good sway, my pregnancy was so different this time round, I have felt ill for the first 15 weeks, but thought well it must be a girl to feel this bad, so knew it would be worth it!  I very much doubt now, after swaying, that I can even have girls. It just hurts so much.

I so understand what you are going through - everything from the smug husband, to wanting the mother-daughter relationship, to doubting your body to make girls after failing at swaying.

It all really sucks and hurts so bad like you said.

My husband of course is thrilled with his 3 boys....he even had the nerve to be sitting on the couch with them the other day and he says to me grinning from ear to ear  "Look, I have my little man, my littler man, and my littlest man".... UGH!  I know he was just a proud dad but at that moment I wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE NOSE!!!!  He is so damn clueless how hurtful that was to me

As for the mother-daughter bond, I lost my mum too.  She basically disowned me and wants nothing to do with me or my children. (And not just me but my sister's kids too). Sometimes I think death would be better because at least then I would have closure...instead I have to be reminded constantly that there is a grandma who lives 5 min away who would rather be angry then hold and love on her grandsons.  Breaks my heart   I keep thinking "Why God did you give me such a mother who could turn her back on her kids like that?"  I wish and pray for a daughter to have that mother-daughter bond with...I would never treat my little girl like she does me.

As for the swaying, call me a swaying fool.  After failing twice I still kept blaming my sways on forgetting "something"...another step that people just came out with...so like an idiot I did it AGAIN, covering all my bases and still getting another boy.  I don't understand how my sister can just do nothing and get a girl, while I do everything and get boy boy boy....I feel like a failure...my dumb body failed me again.  The only way I will ever succeed is by cheating with hi-tec...I have to pay money, go through expensive painful drugs/surgery to get one...its so bloody unfair.