My H wants a divorce

He seriously does.  He does not understand my need to have both gender children in my life.  He is threatening a divorce over it.   I dont even freaking care anymore.  He mentioned it before and then said OH I didn't mean it.  But he is threatening now and he means it. 

Adding insult to injury.  Rubbing salt in the wound.  Just because he does not undertand my need. 

Anyone have any divorce action plans they can recommend?  

I know how GD can affect a relationship. You have to put yourself in his shoes too.  I am sure he is wondering why he and your boys aren't good enough and feels sad because you can't be happy.  My DH and I have had these conversations.  It's not their fault that you feel this way but going through a divorce b/c someone doesn't understand how you feel doesn't sound like the best thing to do.  You have to think about your EXISTING family first.  Why would you want to do that to your kids?  What do you think they would feel/think about you when they find out why mom and dad got a divorce.

I'll tell you a story of a woman I know.  She had two boys and always wanted a girl.  She said she would put her to bed wearing patten leather shoes if she had one.  Well, she went for a third and, a boy again.  She sat on her back porch for 3 days and cried.  Her youngest son finally went out there and asked her "Mom, did you cry like this when you found out I was a boy too?"  She snapped back after that and finally saw how her actions were hurting her family.

I understand GD, I am sad too.  But I REFUSE to let my EXISTING family feel the effects of my sadness.  You get one go around at this thing called life.  I think you should take a minute to take inventory of what you do have in there here and now.  Good luck to you and I hope you find your way through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Of course my first thought is "how insenstive he is". Have you considered therapy? I take my husband to couples therapy when ever we are having trouble understanding eachother on really big issues, like when I wanted more kids and he didn't. It saved our marriage. Just a thought as a possible alternative. You are in my prayers.

i think when someone becomes a mother you put everything aside and think about what would be best for your kids. I dont think getting a divorce would solve anything, the only thing it would do is show your boys how they was not enough for you. believe me i understand how you feel. I am having my 3rd boy and even though i am sooo disappointed about why i cant ever get just one thing that i truely want in life..a daughter.. but i just keep going and try to see the rainbow on the other side. there is a rainbow i know your sons are so important to you but the want kinda over shadows how they feel. think about what you are going to do to them and how they will feel when they get older.  kids are not stupied and even though you dont think they know, they do know whats going on. i know how stong GD can be i do have GD and i had it really bad with ds2, i was really depressed and would think horrible things but i just put my feelings aside and let my boys know they are the most important things in my life and never will i let them think they did not meet my needs or that they was not good enough. good luck and know there is alot of support here not matter what your decision would be. Good Luck sweetie. 

I get the same threat. I do understand how much I am hurting him as to why I feel I cannot love a son, his son, or what not.  He keeps saying its still a part of me, and I say no its not, I don't feel connected to this child a bit, don't even want to yet. He did agree to go through some therapy with me. It can't hurt, give it a try. GD is a tough thing and very tough on a family, I read an above post that said you cannot let it affect your family, good advice but also easier said than done. I mean your living in your own personal hell and yet you just have to keep showing the happy face because that is what you are supposed to do, just like we are supposed to be happy that we have one gender or the other, or that we can have children at all. If you can healthily hide it and that works for you, then ok. But I have physical anxiety attacts that I cannot control, shaking shortness of breath, crying. It wasn't that easy for me. I tried to think I would just hide it, but I couldn't. 

Since I found out the gender of my baby I won't speak to my mom or father, and have cut off as many of my friends as I can (others are trying to tear down my walls, I guess that means they are great friends but its driving me nuts) I screen calls, and try to go to the store when I won't see people who want to talk about it. I NEED therapy, I know that. And therapy will hopefully help you, and your husband to understand each others positions. 

 marital counseling?

I guess most people here are missing the point.  He is the one who keeps saying it.  Why is it that other women get that opposite gender and no one tells them "oh your boys/girls werent enough for you?"  Its like people who get want they want/need it's all so cool - but if you don't not only are you punished but not getting it, but you are punished AGAIN by being told you have no right to want it???

I love my boys more than ANYTHING in the world.  It is not about them.  It's about seeing everyone around me get the dream, and I can only sit in the sidelines.  I went to this party today where everyone cooks a dish and brings it.  All woman, and of course the hostess' two little girls who are close to my sons' ages.  I went but I can't cook.  I felt really uncomfortable.  All this talk about what girl babies look like on ultrasound, (so they look heart shaped hmm never knew that)  and this woman who brought her grown daughter said "I had two boys, but then I had my daughter, my BLESSING"  I thought wow, does she not know or just not care she just implied that her sons were less than blessings.  Perhaps Curses?  Who knows.  It wasnt even worth it to give a response.  Whatever.  !    Then it was talk of husbands who destroy ovens and MIL's who destroy recipes or who never show when they are supposed to.     

Oh man.  I'm sorry.

I agree with the PP that you have to consider his side as well.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

I kind of feel like when you truly understand the "why" of desperately needing that opposite gender, somehow the intensity of it fades...  

Right now, your pain is talking.  You're fed up.  I've been there with my marriage.  My husband and I spent a year in counseling working through some serious issues.  I did really find that neutral third party to be helpful.  Otherwise you're just going back and forth, back and forth "one upping" each other with no resolution.

I don't think that the divorce with solve the problem, unfortunately.  It will just introduce another set of problems, and these will involve your current children.  And you will still remain daughterless.  

I do recommend the counseling first.  Give it a good honest effort, both you and your DH.  If after a few months it's not getting any better, then you can broach the next step with your counselor.

Good luck.  I'm sorry you're hurting. 

Dinos&Cars:

and this woman who brought her grown daughter said "I had two boys, but then I had my daughter, my BLESSING"  I thought wow, does she not know or just not care she just implied that her sons were less than blessings.  Perhaps Curses?  Who knows.  It wasnt even worth it to give a response.  Whatever.  !    Then it was talk of husbands who destroy ovens and MIL's who destroy recipes or who never show when they are supposed to.     

What does that say about that woman?  To say such a shitty thing.  That speaks VOLUMES of her!  You are better than that.  You can not let these nonsensical comments get the better of you!

Plus, you don't have to be one of "those" MILs.  I won't be!  (Although I do currently SUCK in the kitchen.  LOL!)

Dinos&Cars:

I guess most people here are missing the point. 

I'm not trying to sound accusatory, I'm just hoping to understand...

Are there other problems in the marriage that are being magnified by the GD?

Are you adamant about having another (bio or adopted child) and your husband is against it?

I think that if your family goals are different than his that may be 'grounds' for divorce, but if you have say, 2 and you both agreed to two and now you're pushing for 3 then he does have a point feeling like the marriage is going down a path that he might not want to take too.  (I'm just thinking out-loud here).

I think that if it were me I would agree to personal counseling to talk about GD etc, but I would need my husband to agree to putting family planning talk/diviorce talk etc. on hold while I get my head strait.  He would also need to understand that I may come out of counseling feeling even stronger about wanting a girl.... or I might abandon the need completely.  Who knows?  KWIM?

I think I'm more with OP on this one.  To have one partner in deep pain (GD or otherwise), and other other not willing/able to understand it, that is a major barrier.  It's like one partner does not fully respect or care enough about the other to dig deeper.

IMO, you wanting a daughter so badly is not a reflection about how you feel about your existing sons.  It is separate.   

I agree that counselling would be a great next step, as opposed to going straight to divorce.

Personally, in my own life, if my partner had not been supportive of my GD or my quest for a daughter, that would have absolutely been a deal breaker.  But that's just me.  I'm hardcore sometimes.  lol

GZ

 Ok a few things here. First off, it sounds like DH has a slight case of GD in his own mind, to me it sounds like he is saying things like "aren't the boys good enough" to knock you down and my thought are he does this because misery loves company and he feels incompitent of not giving you the daughter you desire. So maybe he does have a type of GD the kind where he may not have cared but feels guilt for not delivering, which men feel a nature to provide and he might feel he has not. Therapy really sounds necessary. 

Also not to be harsh but don't you think if you got the daughter you desire you would think her to be a blessing? I think that is your pain coming out. I mean this woman was probably in the same position as many people across this board who would probably feel getting their desired gender a blessing. I think you felt defensive of your boys, and we all do that, but I don't think she was awful for saying it. Do you know her or her situation, what did they go through to obtain that gender or was it just to get pregant at all. My girlfriend, has a son, and her husband has a son, they long for a child together of any gender but are struggling with fertility, she often refers to getting a baby as a blessing.  It doesn't mean that she doesn't feel the child she had from a previous marriage was not a blessing. Or maybe she did mean the girl was a blessing, bcz she didn't need a blessing to get healthy boys, they were just given to her, so maybe the girl is what she had prayed for and recieved so refered to as blessed. 

 And P.S. I will be the first to admit, it only takes the word Congrats to set me off at the time being, I don't feel there is anything to congratulate about. So I wasn't saying you shouldn't feel that way regarding a statement bcz you can't help how you feel, or I can't. But I personally have to step back and realize these people are saying "normal" things and I do not feel normal, I just have to let it go and know they mean well and just get in the car or by myself and vent about it! 

GreenZelda:

I think I'm more with OP on this one.  To have one partner in deep pain (GD or otherwise), and other other not willing/able to understand it, that is a major barrier.  It's like one partner does not fully respect or care enough about the other to dig deeper.

IMO, you wanting a daughter so badly is not a reflection about how you feel about your existing sons.  It is separate.   

I agree that counselling would be a great next step, as opposed to going straight to divorce.

Personally, in my own life, if my partner had not been supportive of my GD or my quest for a daughter, that would have absolutely been a deal breaker.  But that's just me.  I'm hardcore sometimes.  lol

GZ