I'm trying...

So, I haven't "risen above," but I'm trying... and I figure a lot of the people who read this section of IG are looking for hope or something more than happy, light tales of falling in love with sweet babies.

I'm one of the extreme GD cases.  Extreme extreme.  I loathed the idea of boys.  I thought seriously about abortion and adoption.  I don't care that they are messy or loud or lively -- I would like messy and loud and lively girls anyway.  But I associate men with violence, cruelty, and fear.  And I asociate boys with men.  I am that awful person that so many of the other women on this site can say "well, at least I'm better than her!"  You're not so bad; you're not me.

Anyway, I'm terrified that my boys will grow up to be these men.  And it scares me that I might treat them in some way that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy:  I think males are creeps, I treat my boys like they are creeps, my boys become creeps.

So, I need to deal; I don't want to break them.  And today I told my psychiatrist, who I've been seeing for a decade, about things that have happened in my past that make me very sad and uncomfortable.  But I know it's a big part of why I feel the way I do about men and about having boys.

I never said anything about it to him before today.  (Can we guess at how much money I've wasted on therapy for the last ten years?)  And I feel sick and horrible and skipped work tonight because all I can do is cry and lay around my house.

But, the moral of this story:  it hurts, but I'm really, really trying.

I am proud of you, lissa.  So proud. 

All you can do is "try."  And you're trying so hard.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill

I know you are really trying, and you have been for a long time. I hope that it really helps to have told your psychiatrist about the things in your past. That sounds like a good thing to do. I can tell it's really painful right now, but I hope that eventually this turns out to be a breakthrough for you and a beginning of something good.

That is all you can do is keep TRYING, do it for YOURSELF first and then it will automaticly be for everyone you love too.

I know you are trying and I applaud you for getting help . SOmething I have been wanting to do for four years. I look at the phone and want to call but then think I will pull through it. I fear the future too. I have no real positive examples of men . The ones that were suppose to love me the most violated me the most. I often wonder why God gave me only sons. My mom says it is because I have seen the darkest sides of men and so I will see the signs and stop them in my own sons. Seems like a big job.

It's worth the fight though. Your boys are worth it and so are you.

((((((HUGS)))))) to you Lissa! You are very brave & you will get through this

((((huge hugs)))) hun Good for you hun you will get there the sun always shines once the rains gone :)

You go girl. I know it's a hard road, and I just wanted to offer support.

Always remember that just as a man can turn out bad, so can a woman.

And also reflect on the positives of your unique two little babes everyday. Always keep in mind that what you give to them (positivity or negativity) they will foster.

You're a good mother, and a smart woman, and have a lot going for you (especially 2 adorable little boys).

Good luck in your journey.

 Trying is ABSOLUTELY the first step.

Your frame of mind makes all the difference.

I am SO proud of you. You are, by far, one of the strongest women I know. If anyone has the power to make great men, it's you Lissa. I truly believe that. I know you have it in you. And we are always here for you. Always.

I am in no way saying that being overweight is the same as EGD, but I will share my story none the less..  I have been overweight my entire life (or at least, since I can remember.. probably at least 8?).  And not just 20lbs, I'm talking 150+lbs overweight.  I've struggled for a long time, going up and down and up and down.

I'm on the road to getting healthy.  It's so damn hard.  But I wake up every day and I just try.  Somedays are easier than others.  Sometimes I have to "fake it till I make it" - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  But every morning I wake up and realize that I have a choice.  I can try my hardest to do everything I can do make good choices today or I can give in and not give a shit.  Guess which makes me feel best at the end of the day?

I know I don't understand extreme GD, but what I certainly can understand is trying.  All you can do is try and I commend you for choosing to focus on the positive.  I know that's not easy.. 

Classic_Movie_Queen:

You are, by far, one of the strongest women I know. If anyone has the power to make great men, it's you Lissa.

ITA with this!  I was in a women's group who spoke to people across campus about violence against women (domestic violence and sexual assault), and we had some great men in the group as well.  Men who were strong and passionate about fighting these issues and educating other men.  I totally see you raising these types of men!

I really get you lissa.  I thought I had risen above until tonight.  Let me preface by saying, when I was pregnant with my second son = and I found out the gender, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist.  And though I couldn't or can't say I loathe boys, everyone around me did/does.  Don't get me wrong.  I ALWAYS felt I had a daughter waiting for me.  I can't fully blame everyone else for needing a psychiatrist (still see one btw) 

Everyone around me, gave me the old, 'oh, a boy'.  Forget the disappointment on my mother's face.  It was practically like I told everyone I was dying.  Such a disappointment.  So needless to say, some intense therapy and time helped me get thru it = not over it.  Then tonight it all came flooding right back....

The evilness/jealousy, whatever, crawled back out of me.   8 years later I thought I could handle hearing about anyone having a daughter after having boys.  Forget the multiple m/c's and problems I've had, I could handle it.  I found out tonight my snl is having a girl after 2 boys.  You know the no problem, do nothing different, "natural" way.  (btw, we were due within 3 days of each other, I, however, miscarried)

I put on my happy face and my genuine tone.  But when it finally sunk in, I felt the anger, injustice, failure flood right back.  If I didn't have these two boys to tend to, I'm sure I'd be doing exactly what you did last night....lay around and cry. 

Instead, I hopped on the treadmill and found you actually helping me.  I'll be up all night, assessing myself, wasting another night worrying about something i can't control.  Why do I have to be so selfish?  Why do I care what is happening to other people? 

The thing is, I LOVE my boys more than anything = more than my own life.  It's NOT about them.  They have done nothing wrong.  No matter what society tells me about boys, my boys are angels = they love me, they listen to me, I listen to them, we spend every second we can together.  They are everything to me.  They have been since the day I found out I was pregnant.   Even when they leave me someday, I will be so thankful that I was able to share my life with them. It's not them, it's all about me.  I just don't get why I must be so angry, jealous with these women who have girls after having a boy.  At what point will I stop feeling this?  Some people just accept their 2 boys and move on with life.  It's been lingering around me since I found out I was having a boy 12 years ago.  I mean really where is my daughter? 

Moral of my story...You are not alone with your feelings.  I get it.  For me, there are 2 levels... My conscious level = you know expressing the "right" feelings in front of everyone and what I really feel to the depth of my soul.  So if you are an extreme extreme case, I'm right there with you. 

I'm glad you are trying.  I will try again too.  Just after I'm done feeling sorry for myself tonight, tomorrow, soon. 

((hugs))  I get it!  Thx for the topic and therapy.

I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow.  I'm having such bad anxiety about having to talk about this aloud again, I really want to call and cancel.  Someone talk me out of it... or tell me it's ok to take this week off.