Regret over my Extreme GD

I have written posts in the past explaining how I have slowly gotten over my extreme GD. Ill never be 100% free of it unless I get a dd but I have to say that I am in a happy place again. My DS2 is almost 1, so Ive been thinking lately about his first year. What a year it has been! From loathing him before he was born (hoping hed just go away) to being in absolute awe of my little darling, its such a turn around. I wish I could erase those horrible feelings I had, I wish I could turn back time and love him from the start. I didnt keep a diary for him or take many photos in the beginning. In the photos that were taken I had a fake smile plastered on my face and I have to say that it is obvious that I wasnt happy. I told everyone how I couldnt wait to have another baby, just so I could get a daughter even though my DH said no more babies. All I could think of was how and when I would get her. How could I not see the precious gift that was in front of me. Why didnt I appreciate him more then? Why did I just go through the motions? I know I cant change the past, and I can only move forward from this, but I just wish I hadnt been so consumed by GD. I never wanted boys in the first place, so I would have (stupidly) had GD even if my first was a girl and DS2 was my first DS. But 2 boys seemed like a life sentence at the time. How did I get 2 boys, I was totally unprepared for how it would hurt. (If I had know about this site I would have written some terrible posts about not wanting boys, etc) I guess my GD was worse also because I was told at 18 weeks it was a girl, only to be told at 28 weeks it was a boy. To go from heaven to hell was how it felt. But thats behind me now and Im so glad Ive realised that Ive got this gorgeous sandy blonde curly haired boy, who is now the light of my life (along with his brother). We are TTC another baby in 2010/11 and Im so scared of going back to that dark place. I get HG (severe morning sickness) with my pgs so I know this causes depression in me regardless, and finding out the gender is another boy is like a poisionus cocktail. I no longer just want another baby to have a girl, I just want another baby to love, to enjoy and to cherish from the very start, maybe also to make up for the time I lost to GD. I hate GD and I never ever want it to return. Its taken way too much from me as it is.

I hope that you had enough of an epiphany loving your ds2 that GD won't strike again, but I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that it may, and it doesn't mean you won't love another boy. Certainly, don't feel guilty; you love your son now, and he doesn't know you had GD.

I hope you never get it again either!  I'm happy that you have come so far.  You now have empethy for others though since you've walked down the GD path.  Enjoy your boys from here on out.  It's not too late to start taking pics and keeping memories.  In my experience I have not been good about taking pics of my daughter and keeping notes and journals of her milestones because I just have been too busy!  So no worries.  Godo for you for getting to this place though.  You are an inspiration to others :)