Extreme gender disappointment

did you ever think about it possibly being a boy when you got pregnant - with any of your pregnancies? Not being judgemental, just curious. I had gd with dd, I always wanted a boy first, and the first year of her life we considered her more of a pet to take care of lol. Now that she smiles and giggles and has a personality I love her to bits. Especially when she'll let me hold her and lays her head on my shoulder... Just letting you know that gd, along with any sort of depression, has no timeframe and hoping you get the healing you need.

You know why I wanted a boy?

I wanted to see the other side of a man- the sweet, vulnerable, loving, innocent *man*.  An innocent baby boy, one that looks to his *mommy* to protect and love him.  To learn from me, what a woman should be, how he should treat a woman.  To see his father (my wonderful DH) as what a man should be.  To really understand a man like I never had before- which was, a cold, selfish, jackass. 

Right now this baby doesnt even know that he is a person, a human, let alone that he has a penis.  He hears your voice, and even your cries, that is the sound he knows and has heard as love.  You will be his world.  You will have the ability to mold him into a wonderful, strong man.  One that will defend his family, and his mom.  He can help mow your yard and clean your gutters when you are old.  That's what I wanted.  I thought of a girl and cringed because frankly the words "girl", "her", "she" translated to "whiny, little, sluts".  Clingy, needy, daddys girls, that would turn into mouthy, hormonal, teenagers stuck up their daddy's ass.  It made me sick.  My daughter is tough, she is fun, she is not clingy at all!!! 

I guess what I am trying to say is we define people, including our own children, so much by what is between their legs but at the end of the day we are all people.  Some sons will abandon their poor old mothers, some will stay.  Some teenage girls will be dreams, while others will be terrors.  As hard as it is to let go of these notions, I encourage you to make every effort to do so.  Look at gay guys wearing make-up, look at girls that hunt- killing cute bunnies.  Look at the critical girls that blame their moms for everything that is wrong in their lives.  Most girls I know have more "issues" with their parents than ANY guy I know!  It will be okay, I truly believe that one day you will wonder how you ever felt this way.  It wont happen overnight and it is silly to expect that but with time, I believe you will embrace your son.

nicole_d:

You know why I wanted a boy?

I wanted to see the other side of a man- the sweet, vulnerable, loving, innocent *man*.  An innocent baby boy, one that looks to his *mommy* to protect and love him.  To learn from me, what a woman should be, how he should treat a woman.  To see his father (my wonderful DH) as what a man should be.  To really understand a man like I never had before- which was, a cold, selfish, jackass. 

Right now this baby doesnt even know that he is a person, a human, let alone that he has a penis.  He hears your voice, and even your cries, that is the sound he knows and has heard as love.  You will be his world.  You will have the ability to mold him into a wonderful, strong man.  One that will defend his family, and his mom.  He can help mow your yard and clean your gutters when you are old.  That's what I wanted.  I thought of a girl and cringed because frankly the words "girl", "her", "she" translated to "whiny, little, sluts".  Clingy, needy, daddys girls, that would turn into mouthy, hormonal, teenagers stuck up their daddy's ass.  It made me sick.  My daughter is tough, she is fun, she is not clingy at all!!! 

I guess what I am trying to say is we define people, including our own children, so much by what is between their legs but at the end of the day we are all people.  Some sons will abandon their poor old mothers, some will stay.  Some teenage girls will be dreams, while others will be terrors.  As hard as it is to let go of these notions, I encourage you to make every effort to do so.  Look at gay guys wearing make-up, look at girls that hunt- killing cute bunnies.  Look at the critical girls that blame their moms for everything that is wrong in their lives.  Most girls I know have more "issues" with their parents than ANY guy I know!  It will be okay, I truly believe that one day you will wonder how you ever felt this way.  It wont happen overnight and it is silly to expect that but with time, I believe you will embrace your son.

I couldn't have written it better!!!! :-)

And while I totally do not get extreme GD (my GD was never *that* bad, never didn't want boys, but really really want to experience a girl as well- oh, and pressure from friends and family to have a girl), I know it exists. It is good you are getting therapy, because I do believe EGD is a lot more than just wanting a certain gender, I think it comes from a very dark place (ex. abuse as a child, etc.) in one's past. Once you can work through your past and come to terms with the *real* reason for your EGD, I believe it will help greatly. I can totally see how someone who was abused at the hands of a man, whether as a child or adult, would be so desperately opposed to a boy. The men in MY life (dad, brother, grandfathers, uncles, etc) have been nothing but amazing, kind, sweet, handsome, beautiful male creatures. The women in my life have been the troublemakers (grandmother, mom, aunts) - they were the ones who could be evil and nasty, the ones who cheated and stole, etc. As a young girl I didn't trust other women too much, and as a result most of my friends were boys. I was a Daddy's Girl. When my mom was PG with #3, I PRAYED for a brother (I already had a sister)- I did NOT want another sister!

The thing is, as an adult I have learned not ALL women are evil and mean. I learned this through mending my rocky relationships with my mom and sister. I learned this through finding out that my nasty, mean aunt acted a certain way (mean to my sister and I and nice to my brother) because of how she was treated growing up (her mom adored her 3 brothers and hated her). I've since mended ways with her. My mom acted the way she did because she grew up with an absentee father, and a mother who liked to date lots of men and tend to neglect my mom. There are always deeper reasons people act the way they do. I also learned how amazing women can be by allowing myself to develop some amazing relationships with women. Not all women are bad, and likewise, not all men are bad. Your son could be the very person to teach you that. You never know- he could be the one out of all of your children that could be the closest to you. My mom never wanted a boy, but out of the 3 of her kids (2 girls and 1 boy), my brother is by FAR the closest to her! While my sister and I will bitch or moan about certain things my mom does (even though we do love our mom), my brother will drive over to her house to bring her money if she needs it, and will sit and hold her and comfort her when she is feeling down. My mom is constantly telling me she doesn't know what she would do without him, and how she would have only had more kids if they could have been guaranteed to be boys. THIS is coming from a woman who never ever wanted boys!

By the way, I know you didn't have a good experience with your brother, but mine is a precious angel. He, at 22 years old, will hug and kiss me and always tells me he loves me when we get off the phone. He has the kindest heart of anyone I know. He has a baby girl. HE is the one who bathes her, feeds her, gets up in the night to take care of her, etc, NOT his girlfriend! He told my mom that his baby is the best thing that ever happened to him. My brother is the one who religiously visits our ailing grandparents, while my sis and I keep promising we will and never do. I could go on and on.

Are boys different? Yes. Like girls, they have their good and bad traits (depending how you look at them). My DS1 can be pretty hyper sometimes. Just last night, after his bath, I was trying to get him dressed and he was bouncing off the walls. Once I got him in his jammies he sat next to me on the bed, put his arm around my shoulder, and said "I wuv you Mommy." Omg my heart was a puddle on the floor. :) Oh- and he is 3. Boys really love their mommies.

Please please please do NOT go through with adoption. It will destroy your family. Not only will you regret it for the rest of your life (check out the adoption board on Yahoo Answers to see the horror mothers who relinquish their children go through for the rest of their lives. Adoption is not the "perfect solution" everyone makes it seem), but you will destroy not only your son (who will have abandonment issues for the rest of his life), but your daughters will live in fear of abandonment as well, and they may one day hate you for giving away their brother. I can promise you, if my mom ever did that I would HATE her for the rest of life. You can be assured we would have no relationship whatsoever. Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. GD is always much worse while you're PG. I didn't want a 2nd son. I loved my first son was all of my heart and soul, couldn't imagine loving another child like I did him. I wanted my 2nd to be a girl, I wanted the pigeon pair. Fast foward to now, my 2nd son is the ABSOLUTE love of my life!! He is SO sweet, such an easy baby, and so incredibly smart. I can't believe I didn't want him, and I don't, for not even one second, wish he was a girl. I still very much want a daughter, but if I had to choose between getting a girl or keeping my boys, it would be my boys, no doubt. At the very least, please give yourself 6 months after he is born before you make any permanent decision about adoption, etc. Give yourself a chance to bond.

There is a lady on another GD board who I got to know pretty well. About 2 years ago she was expecting a boy, she already had a daughter. She was, like you, considering late term abortion and adoption. There was a thread that consisted of about 1,000 posts that had to be locked because people were so upset. It turns out she had horrible experiences with men (neither the father of her dd or ds was in the picture), and the thought of a boy made her physically ill. She hated him. She disappeared after that long thread, and didn't come back to the board. Well... about 6 months later she popped back onto the board to share with everyone that her "beloved" DS had been born, that he was the absolute light in her life and jokingly said she actually favored her son over her daughter!!! It was like the cloud over her head had lifted, it was so beautiful to see. I definitely cried my eyes out reading her happy post. It CAN happen! And she had EXTREME GD.

Like Nicole said, her dd didn't turn out to be whiny, clingy, and mouthy like she thought. Your ds may very well surprise you too! GL.

pixie97:

I pretty much despise them only I never knew how much and I had to feel the terror of growing one in my body. The problem is I don't even want to feel love for a little boy, I hate changing them and most certainly can't stand their little parts or the idea his stupid circumsizing.

You don't have to answer this but this statement made me wonder if you were ever sexually abused by a man/boy.  It sounds like you need professional help and this is not an issue that will be resolved quickly, certainly not before your son is born.  These things take time to explore and are difficult to resolve.  The kind of disdain that you have expressed for the male gender is more than just a dislike of men.

Unfortunately, during pregnancy is the worst time to try and make a decision of this kind.  Whatever you do will be extremely difficult.  The issues you have with men will not go away if you give your baby boy up for adoption.  My guess is that they will magnify greatly either way. You have some intense work ahead of you.  Please remember, if you can, that your baby is the the one male who has done nothing to you, is completely innocent, and deserves a good life whether it be with you or someone else.

Good luck, I hope you can make a decision that is healthy for you and everyone involved.  

Pixie,

I guess my question would be... how do you know you won't love him??  You have never had a baby boy.  I know you have had bad men... but never a baby boy.  How do you know how you are going to feel??

I never wanted a boy either.  Not one time in my life did I ever think it would be nice to have a boy.  Of course, my first was a ds and I was so sad.  I didn't want him and was convinced I would have a hard time loving him. 

The second they handed him to me... that all changed.  It took less then a second.  No work involved.  It just happened. 

If, when he is born, you don't love him... then consider adoption.  DONT make that decision now.  You just don't know, yet.  He may be the one that can heal all past hurt.  He may be the one to change your outlook.  :o) 

I was adopted, and extrememly happy.  It always made me feel like I was just loved THAT much.  So I don't worry for your ds in an adoption situation... but I really really worry for you down the line, and especially for your dd's.  What message is that sending them??  Im not trying to upset you more, but I just really feel like the message is very harmful to them.  If you aren't perfect, we will just get rid of you.  Now, of course, that is not what you are doing or what you would ever do... but think about how a young child would perceive this situation?? 

I hope, pray, that you give this little guy a chance.  :o)  I really believe you will be back here in a few months in love with him.  I just feel sure of it. 

Big hugs to you!!

saggyrl11:

You know why I wanted a boy?

I wanted to see the other side of a man- the sweet, vulnerable, loving, innocent *man*.  An innocent baby boy, one that looks to his *mommy* to protect and love him.  To learn from me, what a woman should be, how he should treat a woman.  To see his father (my wonderful DH) as what a man should be.  To really understand a man like I never had before- which was, a cold, selfish, jackass. 

Right now this baby doesnt even know that he is a person, a human, let alone that he has a penis.  He hears your voice, and even your cries, that is the sound he knows and has heard as love.  You will be his world.  You will have the ability to mold him into a wonderful, strong man.  One that will defend his family, and his mom.  He can help mow your yard and clean your gutters when you are old.  That's what I wanted.  I thought of a girl and cringed because frankly the words "girl", "her", "she" translated to "whiny, little, sluts".  Clingy, needy, daddys girls, that would turn into mouthy, hormonal, teenagers stuck up their daddy's ass.  It made me sick.  My daughter is tough, she is fun, she is not clingy at all!!! 

I guess what I am trying to say is we define people, including our own children, so much by what is between their legs but at the end of the day we are all people.  Some sons will abandon their poor old mothers, some will stay.  Some teenage girls will be dreams, while others will be terrors.  As hard as it is to let go of these notions, I encourage you to make every effort to do so.  Look at gay guys wearing make-up, look at girls that hunt- killing cute bunnies.  Look at the critical girls that blame their moms for everything that is wrong in their lives.  Most girls I know have more "issues" with their parents than ANY guy I know!  It will be okay, I truly believe that one day you will wonder how you ever felt this way.  It wont happen overnight and it is silly to expect that but with time, I believe you will embrace your son.

Perfectly summed up!! ..I understand your feelings b/c of what you've been through Pixie..but if you don't give yourself a chance to know the little guy, you'll never know what would be in store for you because once he's born, you may feel instant love as he's your own child. By the way, the best thing I can give is try not to look at other men..I know they have hurt you in the past, and it's probably b/c of their poor family background etc. But you seem to be raising your girls in a good background, and I'm sure if you raise your son the same and give him the same love and attention, he'll be the kind of person you'll want him to be..trust me . As Nicole said, there is the good and the bad  seen in men and women...it's based on how they are brought up. If you bring up your son lovingly, he'll def be the opposite of you are thinking of men right now. Hang in there girl, it'll get better!

i bet once hes born you will wonder why you ever worried!

with 3 sisters hes bound to not be a horrible rough and abusive guy ;)

give it time you will see :)

mixture:

with 3 sisters hes bound to not be a horrible rough and abusive guy ;)

 

Very true!!! My brother is EXTREMELY passive and sweet. Not that he doesn't have a mind of his own, but he's definitely NOT rough around the edges!

Grl4Bekah:

The second they handed him to me... that all changed.  It took less then a second.  No work involved.  It just happened. 

This is SO true!!!!! Happened to me too! :-)

Grl4Bekah:

If, when he is born, you don't love him... then consider adoption.  DONT make that decision now. 

I agree. But I would not consider adoption until he is well past the newborn stage. For some moms (GD or not) it can take months to fully bond with their babies, and then they fall head over heels. It would be a tragedy if you gave away your baby, only to realize months later it was a horrible mistake and you want your baby back, only to find it is too late.

Grl4Bekah:

I was adopted, and extrememly happy.  It always made me feel like I was just loved THAT much.  So I don't worry for your ds in an adoption situation...

Totally disagree with you here. I am really glad you have no hang ups or sadness about your adoption, that's wonderful! But many, many adoptees do. Check out these links:

 I just don't think its a good idea to bring the baby here for others to get attached to, if I do that I have to keep it, and I don't feel I want to take the chance of having to keep him. Because I don't want him to feel unwanted I can at least do that, bcz I do not want to hold him or nurse him or anything. And if I have to live with the pain thats better than him living with a mother who wants nothing to do with him. I can only hope it changes but I just don't think its fair to "toy" with a human. If I had any idea I would have such a dramatic reaction none of this would ever have happened. I knew I wanted a girl but I never knew I would be so horrified of not getting a boy. I mean really I'm well aware of the fact its a 50/50 chance

 I think people are just really concerned that you make a decision like adoption, which can be very permanent, and then live to regret it. I can see you are really really hurting and think it was very brave of you to be so honest, but I'm also aware that pregnancy is one thing and the birth of a baby quite another. Maybe you could find out how speaking to the councillor goes. You don't have to make any decisions straight away, there is plenty of time to weigh up all your options. But hugs, I can imagine how hard this is for you right now and I'm sorry that you are struggling.

It can happen...pixie....you may be likely to soften and bond with it once the baby is here. But just in case, to be safe, you have to get help ahead. Plz don't abandon the innocent baby who just happens to have penis.

Reportedly, 90 yrs ago, my grandma's mother abandoned her younger daughter in a fury for 3 days after she was born. Her 3 sons had died in an epidemic while she was preg, and was disappointed and angry this baby girl seem to have come in exchange for 3 sons. She wanted the baby to die by neglecting to feed her. My granny, 6 yrs at the time, fed the baby with spoon ox-tail soup broth to keep it alive until her mother came around. My 96 yo granny and 90yo great aunt still fondly remember their mother.  

Catalina:

My granny, 6 yrs at the time, fed the baby with spoon ox-tail soup broth to keep it alive until her mother came around.  

WOW!  That's makes Little House on the Prairie look like the Brady Bunch! (and VERY sweet too btw)

 I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. I just had to throw in my feelings. I never wanted daughters. My mother and I have a horrible relationship. She is verbally and somewhat emotionally abusive and I have no idea how to have a mother/daughter relationship. I had gd with my first and now that she is 8 years old I have learned that I can break the chain of a crappy mother/daughter relationship. I still don't know if I am doing anything right but I am trying to change it. I really enjoy my daughters but if I could have picked I would have had all boys and maybe one daughter but probably not. I am really glad that I do have my 2 girls, they are a joy and I love seeing life through their eyes. They show me things I would have never thought of and do things that I never dreamed I would enjoy but their joy brings me that joy. I hope that you come to terms with your little guy wether that be through adoption or your own heart but mostly I hope your pain subsides. Hugs.

 You know, I think other people are part of the problem and I am never going to be able to control them. Me but not them. Boys sports are so much better to watch, boys only need one pair of shoes, boys don't whine. You HAVE TO HAVE A BOY! AHHH!  Um my friends boys are some of the whiniest boys I've ever met and one even cried if he had to go out on the soccer field or anywhere away from mommy.  No different then they whiney girls. I don't want anyone ever saying oh watching HIM play soccer is way better than when we had to watch the girls. I'll punch them, then resent him, and that ONE pair of shoes they talk about - well I usually buy 4/5 pairs for what they paid. I am shocked at the amount of people who still act like its so much BETTER! Like men are still so superior. Well I don't want that,  I don't want anyone saying that stuff, it will make me resent him more than what I do. When people say oh he'll be the one to stand by your side, I don't want or need him to - I have dated mommy's boys, I resent people who create them. My ex was an insufficient little momma's boy who was still having his mother balance his checkbook after 30 and two kids. And EVEN though I could do it, he wanted her to do it, and if I did do it he had HER check it. Because honestly the majority, even with our own men who we created with WOMEN carry all the burden, and I just don't want a little boy giving grief to other women I will hate him for it or contrary wise I don't want to be the one who is to blind to see it and make him excuses. I don't need anything in this house to overshadow my girls or anyones love for them not just mine. The older two already recently obtained to step brothers from their dads marriage and those brats get everything, my girls are just pushed aside over there and I can't stand if, they cry to me all the time about how its not the same anymore, anyone in this family does that to them and I believe it will happen and I'm just going to continue to resent the kids I'm struggling not to resent. I'm not the only milestone I have to cross. 

And I worry for all of this too bcz I hear all those people, oh I love my girls but my son, my son its just special something different. Well no. Not here not ever. And I feel like even if its not me if its other people making remarks I will just continue to push him away for it bcz if he can be favored by the world then he isn't getting favored, or push him away just to make sure none of that happens.