DH just doesn't understand...

I feel like I can't talk to DH anymore about my GD because he doesn't get it and thinks I'm being crazy. (He keeps saying "You're being crazy!" if I mention it at all.) On top of that, we're having a lot of issues about how much time I'm going to take off from work with this baby. I love my career and want to go back to work at 3 months (just 3 days/week at first, then full time at 6-8 months.) We have enough money saved that I could take 6 months off, but I really don't want to do that. He said to me tonight "Do you even like being a parent?" which was so hurtful and mean. Sometimes I seriously can't stand him. He says he'll help out more when DS is born but his job only allows him to take 2 weeks off work when the baby arrives, so I'll be all alone. My parents both passed away and we moved to a new city a year ago so I feel isolated, and I know I'm going to be lonely with the new baby. My work makes me really happy and it makes me so upset that he doesn't understand that. What do I do?

 Well hun, I understand how you feel. I really would have like a girl but I am expecting my 3rd son. My hubby can only take a week ff work and I will left alone with my 3yr old and my 5yr old. My hubby said I was mean to have a litle bit of GD and that he felt like I didnt want my son. I am absolutle in love with my children, GD is something men dont get. I just focus on myself and try to see the positives. I will have another lil man to adore me and love me for the rest of my life, and if and when I do have a girl, she will have 3 older brothers to protect her. See if you can find a medium , something convienient for the both of you. Maybe you could work from home for the first couple of months and then go 3days a week. How much time do you have till you are due?

I dont know if this is going to help but I will tell you anyway!  I suffered Post Natal Depression with my second daughter and my husband didnt get it.  I now know why he didnt understand me and it is becasue I wasnt tyring to help myself or do what was best I was living in a fantasy world and was only thinking about what I wanted or needed to justify my feelings.  He got sick of hearing my complaints and negativity and just wanted his good ol wife back.   Men dont hang on to things like us women and will loose intrest if they cant FIX what is wrong.  

I had a little GD with my second daughter so I cant really coment on how people with bad GD cope or find peace, all I can say is that when I read the stories they all remind me of my PND.  I had alot of therapy to help me and without it I would imagine that I would have had a marrige meltdown  ( which nearly happened )  and would never have got better.  As for going back to work maybe your husabnd is just worried about you GD and thinks the extra time with bubs will help you bond... Dont be affriad to go to comunity play groups and places similar, you will be amazed at the friends you can make.  I am finding that alot of my friends now are more reliable than my family.

Feel free to shot me down if I am wrong, I know I wish I had someone to be open with me and I may have recovered a bit quicker. 

Maddi

 I really dont think men understand GD. I talked to my DH about it right after we found out the gender at my U/S. I had talked to him about it for maybe 2 days or so and I could tell I was depressing him when he was excited for our baby. And also I could just tell he didnt understand either. So I just dont talk to him about it anymore. It doesnt do any good. Thats why I come on here. Mens brains are just different, IDK.
But as far as going back to work goes, if you want to go back early I think thats great! Its your career and its what makes you happy so I say go for it!

Its hard for my DH to understand GD because HE HAS WHAT HE WANTS (over and over and over!)...he's so myopic that he never even puts himself into my shoes to see what I am going through.  All he does is beam about HIS sons ....he's never referred to them as "our sons"....its like I gave him these trophies in the Game of Life...and he has mutiple boys to achieve every whim with!  One doesn't like snowboarding....(ohhhh poor DH 's big disappointment there - gag! )...no problem...son #2 loves sports.  One doesn't like fishing....move onto the next boy in the bunch who loves it.  Its like he's got every base covered and hasn't a single ounce of GD.  I'm sure at least one or more will follow in his career footsteps too (probably our oldest since he's shown interest).

So it's little wonder that DH has NO CLUE what i'm going through and thinks i'm crazy/negative at times.  All he's done is push me further and further away.  I no longer talk to him at all about GD.  He sees me moody and asks what's wrong, i now say NOTHING...I'm just TIRED instead of going through another heated discussion about my feelings about GD....so he's lost a partner there since he's unwilling to listen.

I'm sure this will take its toll on our marriage. Lately he's been talking about putting off IVF/PGD because its so nice to have the kids out of diapers....and he wants to travel again.  All that will be going through my mind is "i'm stuck on this trip with this a-hole who thought a vacation was more important than ttc a daughter"....When the kids grow up and leave, i'm going to be living in a house with a stranger who I'll be forever resentful of if he doesn't let me at least try one more time to achieve my dream. 

A lot of men just don't "get it"....We are here for ya.

I understand how you feel and I really think that you should return to work when you feel ready.  I'm also a working woman and I love my career.  It has helped my GD significantly to have that part of myself for a good chunk of the day.  I really think that going back to work averted a complete crisis on my part.  I took 12 weeks off, which is what my employer offered me paid, and although I probably could have negotiated an additional 6 weeks of unpaid leave, I'm so glad that I didn't.  By the 6th week post-partum, my GD was so bad that I was flipping out every single day.  And it's not like caring for the children was all that difficult.  The older one went to preschool from 9am to 4pm every single day and my husband, a teacher was home by 4:30pm.  Obviously, I had it good.  But my mind was racing all day long.  The day I set foot in my office again was the day that I was able to set aside my anxiety about being an all-girl mom and remind myself that I more than an all-girl mom and more than a mom for that matter!

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the toddler and baby stuff.  It's hard work to be the kind of working woman that I want to be AND the kind of mom that I want to be.  I wake up early to pump every morning and I'm the last person to go to bed each night.  From the second I get home, I'm greeted by sheer madness.  But I really enjoy the challenge of trying to balance my dream career with my beautiful family.  Something about that struggle reminds me that I'm strong, capable, and worthy of the things that I want in life.

I still have pretty bad GD, however.  I wrestle with it every day.  But I'm able to turn it off more now that I'm back at work.

The thing that frustrates me about your situation is that is the idea that if you want to work, you must not like being a parent.  What about your DH?  He didn't arrange his career around having a child - that's why he can only take 2 weeks off.  Would anyone accuse him of not enjoying being a parent?  It's really not fair to expect you to make all of the sacrifices just because you're the woman.  Look, I understand that women generally take on more of the child care in the early years.  I'm living that life completely - that's why I'm always go, go, go and I'm perpetually exhausted.  But no one had better accuse me of not enjoying parenthood just because I don't want to stay at home with my kids all day long.  No one would ever accuse my DH of that so they had better not accuse me either.

Anyways, I think you should work when you want to.  If that's 3 months after your DS is born, fine.  If that's 8 months after he is born, fine.  If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, fine.  But if you want to work, you'll be a better mother if you feel personally and professionally fulfilled.  You'll be more engaged with your sons when you are home if you have time to develop the other parts of yourself that mean so much to you.  You'll feel resentful and battle GD a little bit better if your career is flourishing.  (Just to be clear, this is only IF you want to work.  If you don't - and many of my friends don't - more power to you!)

If you're husband asks, tell him that one of your IG buddies credits returning to work with sanity.  And since you're apparently already crazy, don't you need all the help you can get? 

Congratulations on your DS!  I would have LOVED to have two boys!

 

kander2009:

I really dont think men understand GD...

Believe me...we DO! Please go and read my thread entitled GD Just As Bad For Dads, and you will understand better. We just don't give vent to our feelings, or talk about it as much as women do.

I'm sorry to say, GD has been a blight on my life for the past 15 years, with no sign of it EVER going away...