Wow. What can change in a year. Today is Easter Sunday and as we celebrate Christ's resurrection I can't help but think of what I was going through last Easter.
I remember that my Beta was supposed to be on Good Friday but because the Dr's office was closed that day I got to get it earlier. I remember thinking it is going to be a "Great" Friday! I was very wrong and instead I was in mourning. I was sad that my Beta was indeed neg. There was nothing growing inside of me. I felt so empty.
Easter Sunday I had invisioned eating with our families "glowing" with the secret of our new pregnancy and instead I was holding back tears the whole day. I got my period so I had even more reason to be reminded that I wasn't pregnant. It was so heavy that it actually bled through my outfit and I had to run home and change before Easter dinner. It was just too much for me and I cried the whole drive to my house to get another change of clothes.
I thought of the baby girl that I thought I would have at Christmas time. I thought of the money that was gone and nothing to show for it. I was in a very dark place. I tried to focus on the holiday and Jesus' suffering. He suffered so much more than me so why was I being such a baby?
This Easter I have a daughter to share the holiday with. I have a tiny pink Easter dress to put her in and take her to church. My boys have a sister and my in-laws their first granddaughter, It is amazing to know that she is here now and what I was feeling just last Easter.
I'm still in awe that she is here. I stare and her and think of how blessed we are. I believe our family is complete now and what a feeling that is. I don't have to deal with that longing in my heart for the little girl I was missing. I have her....in my arms to love and to hold. I can't thank God enough.
Last year I really focussed on Jesus' sufferings, his hardships, and it helped me so much. This year I'm focusing on the joy of his resurrection, the excitement, the thrill of life given by God.