Going through IVF/PGD in hopes of my DD

April 2009 - Posts

• CA Dr

  So I cycled at The Fertility Institutes in March and when I found out it was a BFN I got no information. Not a thing! No follow-up of any kind. I started researching local places and for the FET they had several questions. What grades were my frozen embryos? How many were frozen together? (Like 2 to a straw?) So, I emailed these questions and a couple of others to my CA dr. Added to the list were, how soon can I start another cycle? an FET? How much does it cost to ship my embryos if I decide to cycle locally? All of these questions were emailed 2 WEEKS AGO!!!! I got one email back saying I would need to call and set up a reconsult. My DH called and he talked to the Dr's assistant (notice what the 1st 3 letters are in assistant....ummmm makes sense) finally after waiting a few days to get a call back and she said to just email them again with attn: Dr. Steinberg. Well, we did that and got another email back saying we would have to call for a reconsult that the assistant was aware of my need and I needed to call her. Are you kidding me? So, my DH called again yesterday after 10 min on the phone she said she would need to call us back. Today she called back and said we needed to make a reconsult. ALRIGHT!!!! we knew this we have been trying to set it up but she can never set anything up. Finally we made some headway and after a very lengthy conversation of my DH asking a question and the assistant rambling something that made no sense we were able to make an appt tomorrow  to talk with the doctor. I have no idea why he can't just email me the info but it is fine I just want answers. These are simple questions that have answers. It isn't like I'm asking them "why didn't this work?" So, I'm sure this is going to affect the timeline of my next cycle. I think I want to do an FET but I might just go with a multi package cylcle and start all over. I don't want to get my records sent anywhere until I get my questions answered. I figure they are more apt to answer them when they think I might be cycling with them again. So, hopefully tomorrow I'll have some answers!!! Yippi!! Posted Apr 30 2009, 04:11 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• Just another whiney Wednesday!!

  So for some reason I've been super emotional about my dad today. Since my dad died right before my ER I was crying everyday until I got to CA for my cycle. Once I was CA it was like I was in a fantasy land. I got to go to Disneyland with my kids, eat out all week, stay at nice hotels, go to the beach. It was surreal b/c I was thinking the whole time this would be my last vacation as a family of 4 we would then have a little 5th family member hanging out in my tummy and that made my trip even more terrific. So, I didn't cry (about my dad) but twice I think. Now that I'm back and the "fantasy" world kicked back into not so fun reality I am back to just missing my dad. My dad wasn't the greatest father. I have always been closer to my mom but I still loved him very much. He was the best story teller of anyone I know. The story always got bigger and better everytime he told it. I never realized this until I got older and now wonder if I was really as amazing as a child as my dad tells me I was through different stories. I am sad that my kids won't know my dad (they are only 3.5 & 2) and that I will have another baby one day (hopefully my DD) and he would have never gotten to see her. I won't be able to hear him say "Oh you might as well throw away your checkbook b/c you'll never have any money again!!" He always said girls were too expensive! So, that is what makes me sad...that he will never meet her. I just thought that getting my DD would be the "high" that I needed to focus on so I wouldn't stay down in the dumps about my dad. Instead getting that BFN was just another kick while I'm down. Oh...woe is me!! I know there are people out there who have tried and tried and here I am whining about only one BFN but it is painful and I'm not going hide it! So, today was a hard day. I heard a song that my dad liked on the radio. I picked up a picture of him that the kids knocked over. I just kept thinking of him throughout the day and wished I could talk to him one more time. I could never tell about this. He would think I had lost my mind...but at the same time would believe it would be me that would go this extreme. At least there is tomorrow. I bet it will be better! Posted Apr 29 2009, 05:31 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• not being pregnant

  So in my "plan" I would have been pregnant right now. I was excited about being pregnant for many reasons and one of the bonus reasons was going to be that I wasn't going to have to help my mom move. Yes, that makes me sound like a jerk but I this happend once before when I was pregnant with DS1 and I was on bedrest. I always over do it so I love the I'm pregnant cop-out and I don't have to feel guilty! Now though, I'm not pregnant so my mom has been working me like a horse! Gripes not only do I not get a baby but I have to work so hard. Oddly enough I was over at my mom's new house helping out yesterday when I drove by a yard sale sign. Curiosity got the best of me and I drove the one street over and found out that it was actually someone we knew! DS1 goes to Mom's Day out and his "girlfriend"'s grandmother was having the yard sale. Well, DS1's GF is an absolute doll! She is always dressed adorable with matching accessories and everything. She was there with her mom & gmaw so a lot of her little outfits were there for sale. Now, I don't buy clothes at a g-sale but since this was a little girl I knew I felt they were more like handme downs. They were all gymboree, little dresses from Nordstrom, baby gap, etc. Every outfit was $1 so I bought basically everything. They were all size 2 so I didn't really have to think about would she have to be born at the right time to be able to wear them. I just told her I had a "friend" that had a girl and since I always talk about how cute this girl dresses her mom wasn't surprised that I would want to buy it all up! So here I am fueling the flame for my "I need a girl" whiney self. I now have enough clothes to fill a small closet but nobody to put them on! I had another heart to heart with my DH today. He said he thought doing PGD one more time and then being done was what he was leaning towards. I talked him into 2 more cycles if we didn't do the adoption. I don't know if the 2 would be two fresh ones or what. My DH said that God has a plan and although I know that I just want to do all that I can on my end. My DH has been awesome through all of this, it has been hard at times, but he is slowing learning that this is so emotional for me. I think this has made us so much closer...at first when I got the BFN  and I wanted to move forward with something else I thought that it was going to strain our marriage but it did the opposite. He saw that I needed him more than ever and is really working with me on figuring out our next step should be. Posted Apr 25 2009, 09:34 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• undecided

  So, I will completely "sell" myself on what to do and then just moments later I'm doubting myself. I keep praying but I think I am too scared to hear what God says. I will completely decide that international adoption is for us! I've always considered it (as early as high school) and I know that I will get my DD for a fact! However, she will be over 1yr when I get her and cost well over $30000. I think we could figure out the money situation even though things would be more than tight but then I think I really do want to be pregnant. I want to hold that tiny little girl and see that she has my eyes or Dh's bird lips. I just worry about that part of it. I worry that I won't feel complete b/c I didn't have another pregnancy. Then I think, how awsome to not have to work out so hard after having a baby! How great to not stress out about how many IVF/FETs will I do and get nothing! At least with adoption I have some time to come up with the money but with high tech I have to come up with it first. I just wish I would have found this website before. I wish I would have found a local place to do my IVF but at the time I didn't know anyone did it b/c nothing came up on google searches. Now, I know about SART and multi-cycle packages, ect. That would have saved us a ton of money. At first I was estimating our total so far as about $20000 but it is really a lot more. It was $18000 just to the clinic plus a couple of thousand for the local clinic, 3000 for meds, plus traveling to CA & staying there for 9 days! We could have paid for the entire adoption almost....sigh. Instead I have a few souveniers from Disneyland & Legoland (one of which is a little babyMinnie for my DD that I don't have!) ughhhh. I have got to figure this out! It is driving me crazy. Fri night my DH and I had a heart to heart. I cried for most of it. This whole thing has taken such a toll on me! We are going to discuss it again once I gather some more info about local clinics here and if they will even do my FET since I am only doing it for gender selection...why must they discriminate! Why do they care they are getting paid either way! So as for today...undecided! (but hopefully not for long!) Posted Apr 19 2009, 06:32 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• It has been over a week

  I am still freaking out. I don't have a plan. I am still mad/sad/depressed/whiney ect about the BFN. I didn't realize it would be so hard. I do know that I appreciate the two little boys I do have and I thank God every day that I was able to just do the deed and get pregnant with them! That is what a BFN from IVF will remind you! I have researched so many different things on my computer that my laptop probably just lost a year off of its life since it has been working overtime! I have always considered adoption and have always had Russia picked as a country. I don't know why. That is the funniest part. My husband keeps telling me Russia is overrated and I say I don't care I just have always had Russia on the tip of my adoption tougue. Adoption isn't really high on my DH's list of things to do in life. He is really not into international adoption. Everything I have looked into seems like it will take an eternity and cost a small fortune! We have already spent so much. I think our Dr was one of the most expensive ones but when I researched I hadn't found this site yet and didn't know so many dr's did PGD for family balancing. My Dr told us our chances were 74% so I thought it was goin to work!  Anyway, I was against the FET but now I'm thinking I may do it. What is my cutoff? How much money am I going to feed into this? At least with the moster cost of international adoption  you get a DD at the end of it (even if it takes forever). Why can't I have tons of money? If I did I would do the FET and start the adoption process too. I would keep doing both until I got a DD. Now that is determination! However, since we have already spent more than we saved the financial end is kinda the problem. I just don't want to wait any longer!!!! I want my DD!! Where in the heck is she? So what to do? My DH has been out of town all week and comes home tomorrow. I already warned him that we would need to talk about all of this once he gets back. He actually told me on the phone the other night that he is already "burnt out" about talking about all of this! Like I care! I am an emotional basketcase and it isn't going to change until I get a plan. I need a plan!! I just feel so lost. I don't have any answers and I am usually a woman with answers! What to do? What to do? What to do? Posted Apr 16 2009, 09:40 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• BFN

  So it has taken me a little while to get to writing in here. I was just so sad that my little girl didn't stick. At first I was sad...I had done the HPT and kinda knew but when I actually got the blood work results told to me over the phone I really lost it. I was way sadder than I had thought I would be. To spend over $20000 and go through all of those terrible shots and get NOTHING! The embryologist even told us (to the nurse's dismay) that it was almost 100% that the little girl should stick (SHOULD--I know) but he said it was a perfect 5 day hatching blast! He also said it was a good thing we didn't put in 2 because he bet almost definately we would have had twins! Sigh!!! So, there I was sad. I was like a little kid...I didn't get what I wanted. Then all of the sudden I just got mad! I was mad that we spent that money and didn't get a baby. I was mad that I had already bought a little girl thing while on our CA trip. I was mad that it didn't work. That it was perfet and it still didn't work!!! Now I don't know what to do. I just to figure out where my DD is and go get her! Posted Apr 13 2009, 04:43 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• Feelings of pregnancy

  So, I've gotten no indication of pregnancy from my HPT. NONE!!!! Yet, I am as of yesterday feeling little signs of pregnancy. I have started to feel the heavy breathing I talked about in an earlier post from today and now I have had some cramping. I am convincing myself that the cramping is a pos. indicator and pretending that there could be no neg. signs involved. I felt some cramping/pains a couple of nights ago but wasn't sure if it was baby related or just gas. Tonight it has a bit more of a crampy feeling. I hope it's that darn baby in there growing. I have faith that she is in there! I have had 2 egg donations where my 1/2 babies implanted right inside the mom and they delivered healty babies. Certainly, my own full fledged baby would settle into it's own home. My DNA found it easy to implant into another woman's DNA....shouldn't it like my DNA even more??? Posted Apr 05 2009, 08:47 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• My body is playing tricks on me!!!

  So, I've gotten no indication of pregnancy from my HPT. NONE!!!! Yet, I am as of yesterday feeling little signs of pregnancy. I have started to feel the heavy breathing I talked about in an earlier post from today and now I have had some cramping. I am convincing myself that the cramping is a pos. indicator and pretending that there could be no neg. signs involved. I felt some cramping/pains a couple of nights ago but wasn't sure if it was baby related or just gas. Tonight it has a bit more of a crampy feeling. I hope it's that darn baby in there growing. I have faith that she is in there! I have had 2 egg donations where my 1/2 babies implanted right inside the mom and they delivered healty babies. Certainly, my own full fledged baby would settle into it's own home. My DNA found it easy to implant into another woman's DNA....shouldn't it like my DNA even more??? Posted Apr 05 2009, 08:47 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• Big Fat Nothing So Far

  So, I have POAS a total of 4 times. Once on day 6dp5dt and then 6.5dp5dt, 8dp5dt & 8.5dp5dt. So what's with the 1/2 days? I had my ET at noon. So both times I did it the after noon of the day and then the early morning of the next so it wasn't technically another day past yet.  Each and everytime I got a neg. I kept staring and staring as if it some small line was there that I just couldn't see. I am so exhausted & today had some trouble breathing which oddly enough happened right before I found out I was preg with DS2. I think I might have written before that I didn't test pos for DS2 until well after my missed period. I actually took 2 tests on prior to my period and one after that both came back neg. When the 2nd one came back neg. my friend told me she had just gotten a pos. that day. I was sad b/c her period was due later than mine. Almost a week later I found out I was preg too! I finally had my 3rd test pos. She was due 2 days later than me but she had found out almost a week earlier. I ended up having my son 2 weeks earlier than her. Anyway, I like to retell that story to keep my hope up. I just keep trying to have faith that my Beta will come back and give me a BFP. I thought I was getting a Beta on Fri but it turns out I was wrong. I only got my prog. & estrog. levels. I am supposed to have my Beta on Friday but since it is good Friday the local clinc is closed so I am getting to go on Holy Thurs. I am excited about that! I just want to know and go from there! I'm so tired of limbo!!! I want my baby!!! Please be in there!!!!  Posted Apr 05 2009, 05:33 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• I POAS and....

  I got a BFN. I am 6dp5dt. I kept reading on here that a lot of people (most people, even) had some sort of faint line on 6dp5dt. I was very sad but I know there is still much hope. Tomorrow is my 1st BETA and I've read if I can get a # greater than 5 I'm in the BFP club! I have no signs or symptoms of being pregnant. But I didn't with my other two this early either. Also, I have some reassurance that even after my missed period with DS2 that I still got two BFN on pregnancy tests and the 3rd one ended up pos. This was not a high-tech preg. I that point I had felt pregnant and couldn't believe I continued to get neg. pregnancy tests. So, like I said there is still much hope! My DR said don't POAS until 12 or 13dp5dt but I have no paitience. My DH told me not to and I wish I would have listened. It would have been nice to see a vague line and put myself to rest a little but of course now that I've seen the opposite I've made things worse. Well, tomorrow morning I will get my 1st Beta. I'll be saying extra long prayers tonight. I want this baby so badly! I saw Waitress (which wasn't very good) today and I actually cried when she had her DD. I wanted to have a little girl of my own so badly that I actually cried! You know, if we got our DD or DSs based on our degree of want....we would all be celebrating on this board! Too bad it isn't that easy! Posted Apr 02 2009, 06:13 PM by gsbabies with no comments

• My 1st Beta is on Friday!

  So, in about 12 min. I will be 5dp5dt. This waiting is aweful! I am trying to keep myself from thinking about it but it is impossible. My DS2's 2nd b'day is on Sat so you would think I would be consumed with that. I can only think about that stupid test on Fri. One thing that drives me crazy is that I always hear back from the doctor so late. He is on CA time so it is about 2 hrs. later here. He always calls around 5 his time so it is already 7 pm here!!! Do they have little Beta home testing kits? I'm going to google that right now. So what...I'm impatient! Posted Apr 01 2009, 11:54 AM by gsbabies with no comments