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Going through IVF/PGD in hopes of my DD

An emotional journey in order to get my little girl!

March 2009 - Posts

  • Reasons why I need this to work!

     

    1. I have been wanting a DD for such a long time!!!

    2. My boys would love a baby sis!

    3. I already have a ton of baby girl things that I've been saving. (yes, I'm crazy!)

    4. We just spent over $20,000 on this (it hurts to just write that)

    5. I just uploaded pics from our CA trip and I already look pregnant! -- I have bloated gut!!! YUCK

  • I hope I didn't pee out my baby!

    I know this sounds crazy but ever since yesterday's pee episode I'm kinda nervous that I peed out my baby.

    I was told to drink an outrageous amt of water prior to the ET. They said that the ultrasound would be easier to see. I had to go when I got to the office and by the time I got on the table I already knew things weren't going to go well for my bladder.

    I am one of those people that pee at least 2 times in the middle of the night. When I am pregnant. I don't even get to sleep b/c I am just hanging out on the toliet all night!

    So, after the ET I was in so much pain that I was almost in tears. My DH went and got the nurse b/c I said I was going to pee myself...no doubt! She came in there with a plastic bags and I had to "void" as she said, in it. I only went a little...well for me and thought that would do the trick but only moments later I was back to the pain.

    20 min after the procedure she came back in and put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me down. I jumped off that chair and ran and sat on the potty...with the door open and everything. I had already said "I'm so sorry" a million times while I was peeing in a bag and now I was saying it again and I was going full force in the bathroom as the door is wide open at the Doctor's office. I could't help it. There was no waiting!!

    So, as I'm laying there when I got back I was thinking....did I just pee out my baby? I asked and they laughed but I wasn't sure.

    Now, I'm hoping that my sudden trip to the bathroom so quickly after the ET didn't screw anything up.

    Stinkin bladder...you've always been such a pain in my butt!

  • ET today!!- Friday

    So my 12 babies became 9. The others didn't grow correctly or stopped growing. Out of the 9 I had 7 girls!!!! (although 2 were abnormal) and only 2 boys!! I couldn't believe it!!

    They took pics of the 2 best looking hatching blasts. We decided to put back only 1 although I would have put back 2 if it were completely up to me. My DH said I needed to understand, if not have a DD was my worst nightmare then have twin DD was his. I know twins is a huge undertaking and if he wasn't on board it wasn't going to work so we just put in one.

    Our one was a grade A+. The Dr said that the embryo couldn't have looked any better. The embryologist (sp) said afterwards that if we put in two he would have suspected twins. My lining was at 17 and my DH and I were mesmorized watching the whole thing on the screen. We got to see our little embryo get sucked up and then put into my uterus.

    I keep telling her it is nice and warm and fluffy in there. Go ahead and stay awhile. She would be loved by a lot of wonderful people and would be the very best CA suvenier!

    Now it is officially the 2ww. I get one bloodwork visit next Friday (the day before my DS2's 2nd b'day). I get the official preg. bloodwork test on Good Friday. I hope it is a REALLY GOOD FRIDAY!

  • ER on Sunday

    Sun was my ER and they got 16 eggs/ 15 were mature enough and they inseminated them and 12 fertilized.

    I was happy to be done with that part! I rested hard core on Sun and Mon morning. I felt the best I have ever felt after an ER (I've had 3 egg donations).

    I started the progesterone shots (no fun!) 100 mg in the rear end. Its oil so it takes forever to go in. I also started estrace...2 pills vaginally....again, no fun! You get a "teal" colored discharge, nasty! But I'll do whatever it takes!

    Tues afternoon we did Rodeo Dr and Beverly Hills. It was the most perfect day. We ate lunch on the sidewalk Rodeo Dr. and my DH bought me a necklace at Tiffany & co.

    We then drove down to Carlsbad to go to Legoland the next day. Wed. was Legoland and then Thurs we got up and drove to Newport beach. After we checked into our hotel we went across the street to the beach and stayed at the beach for the rest of the day. The boys had a blast!

    Our room in Newport beach was awesome...especially for the price. We ended up only paying $87 for a room that was pretty large & had a balcony with a view of the ocean/beach across the street. We booked our hotels last minute everytime and really got fantastic deals. Two nights we stayed in LA for only $109 a night when they were reg. $257 a night. We wanted to stay longer but we haven't been able to get it under $200 since we stayed there on Tues & Wed.

    Friday we went back north and did "Hollywood". It was a lot of fun. We saw the Kodak Theater & Chinese Theater and bought a lot of suveniers.

    I was happy to have all of this stuff to keep my distracted. It seemed that a lot of my IG "friends" that I had been following & cheering on had some bad outcomes. This was all during the time of ER and before my ET. I knew not to celebrate yet.

    I feel so badly for anyone that goes through this process to get a BFN or to not even get to finish the cycle. I can only imagine how painful that would be for me and I pray that their DD is going to be in their arms soon! I appreciate their support while they are having a difficult time.

  • Our vacation begins

    We headed out to CA on Friday and I was supposed to take my trigger that evening. Since our flight was delayed we didn't make it to the hotel in time for me to do it so my DH and I pulled over into a neighborhood. Thank goodness the boys were asleep or they would have freaked out. It was crazy b/c here I am in a neighborhood in the front seat of the car with my pants down and DH "shooting" me up in the butt. What a sight!!

    The nurse had told me about the trigger shot/time while we were boarding our flight so when it came down to do the measurement of the shot I couldn't figure out what I wrote down. I called the nurse and she told me and said everything else was emailed to me.

    The trigger was at 9 and we got settled and got the Internet working at 11pm. Then I read my emails only to see that the dosage in the email was 2x the dosage she had verbally told me.

    I majorly freaked out!!!! I immediately called a very asleep nurse and she said I had did it right. I couldn't believe they had typo'd the email....yikes!!!

    Sat. was Disneyland and we had a blast!!! We then changed to a hotel closer to the Dr's office and had a sitter come the next morning for the ER.

  • another u/s & bloodwork

    So, back to the local clinic (that I don't like!). I reminded them about a million times that I was same day bloodwork. They probably thought I was a pyscho...and I was! Pyscho about not wasting $20000+ so get this stuff done right!!!

    The u/s lady couldn't tell me too much b/c "every dr.'s protocol is different". I had a huge amt of eggos in one side way over 20 and the other side had about 12. These were eggs of all sizes so a lot of them won't make the ER but it sounded promising.

    The largest one was at 17.5. When I talked to my CA dr they told me that they were looking for several over 18. So, I'm practically there! I was put on Menopur last night & taken off of Bravelle. I have another u/s & bloodwork appt for Wed. I think that will be my big trigger day. These little half babies are supposed to be growing at a rate of 2mm per day (according to my internet research) so there isn't going to be anymore room in there for them!

    Right now I can feel all of my extra baggage in me. When I bend over or squat but especially when I sit down to go "potty" (sorry prob. more than you wanted to know!). I can't imagine them gettting bigger and bigger! There just doesn't feel like there is enough room.

    So, it also makes me feel super fat b/c it's like I'm all bloated. I suck in my gut. In some ways it isn't bad. It reminds me of those early days of pregnancy when you feel like you are a house but aren't even showing yet!

    I pray that this will get me to my DD! My hubby is going to have to take off work for our mini vacation and his boss is his dad! He just missed 2 wks of work the end of Feb beginning of March when my dad was ill and passed away. Now, just a couple of weeks later we are going to make an impromptu (sp?) Disland vacation? Sounds insane! Especially since it will be the week AFTER my son's Mom's Day out is out for Spring Break!

    If this doesn't work we may have to tell them (the in-laws) b/c my DH would have to go out to CA again and it would look WAY too fishy! I really hope this works b/c I just don't want them to know. They would totally make fun of me...either way (with a pos. or a neg.) and I honestly just couldn't handle that! I only want people that can support me and cheer me on! So that is why no one knows except for my mom. It's actually pretty sad!

    Thanks for listening!

  • HOLY COW! I saw someone I knew at my clinic

    So, I started my stims on Wed & then had my u/s & b/w on Fri. I told the receptionist & basically everyone I saw in that office that I needed same day blood work so there would be no confusion.

    When I walked into my local clinic that is monitoring me I almost died! There was a friend of mine that has had a little fertility issue. She immediately said "what are YOU doing here?" since I got preg with my DS1 on 1st try and DS2 was a surprise. I just fumbled around and said I was getting "stuff checked out". I sounded like I was talking about taking my car to the shop.  Her husband saw how uncomfortable I was and said "don't ask her that". I thought it was funny.

    I know she has no reason to think I'm in there for what I'm really in there for! She probably thinks I have an ovarian cyst or am preg and am having some serious problems. I felt slightly guilty to be there when I have no problems conceiving & also that I might have her thinking that something is wrong with me now.

    So, funny thing is that by that night I already had another friend call me telling me the friend that saw me in the fertility clinic called her wanting gossip on me. How funny! So, then she tried to indirectly ask me a multitude of questions to figure out why I was there.

    Anyway, the u/s showed 12 eggs on one side and 17 on the other side. It seems like a lot but she said they don't always get to the right size.

    My CA dr. called and told me to stay on the same dosage & then to get another b/w u/s appt on Mon. Since it was CA time they sent the TX dr the orders after they were already closed.  So I have to call my local dr. at 7:30 and pray that they will be able to see me before 930 when the bloodwork in taken. Good grief!

    So, I still don't know when my ER is now. It was going to be around the 18th but it seems that it should be 4-5 days later now. I'm so ready to be done with all of this. Hopefully with a baby at the end of the day. This state of limbo is hard on me. I'm an impatient person so I think this process is going to make me work on my shortcomings! 

  • Taking the Big Steps

    So we had decided on PGD and now had to research where we should go. I looked for online support groups but couldn't find anything. (I so wished I would have found IG earlier!!!) I decided on The Fertility Clinic in California. I knew I would have to work with a local clinic but in one of my egg donations I worked with someone out of state so I used a local doctor so I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world.

    I had a biopsy (never had that before) and did some bloodwork at my local clinic. It is Dallas IVF and I do NOT recommend them! They seemed completely clueless. They said I was a donor and I could tell they didn't believe me when I said this was for me! They didn't know what meds I was supposed to take or how much. Yet, they were supposed to be giving me a meds instruction. They didn't know that I had done this before...and thank the Lord I had because they people were NO help.

    So, I started the Lupron after the bloodwork came in and I had some reservations about the sheer cluelessness of the local clinic but decided it would be fine. Just days after starting the Lupron my dad was ill and was put in the hospital. I finally got a call to come down (to another state) immediately. I still had hope that it would just be a quick visit. That everything would turn around. I continued on the Lupron sneaking in the shots early in the morning at my sister's house. I had to lock myself in the bathroom so nobody would see.

    THen my dad took a turn for the worse and passed away. We had gotten there on Mon and he passed away late Thurs. night. I couldn't believe this was happening. On my laudry list of feelings was what about my cycle? What about my DD that I've been waiting for? He would never get to meet her. He gave everyone a nickname (everyone..young and old) and called nobody by their real name. My DD would never get her nickname. It was a sad time for me.

    I considered stopping my cycle. I knew I had stress oozing out of my ears. I finally decided that I needed this to keep me going. I needed the hope of life, I needed something to put my whole heart into or I would simply mellow in the sadness.

    My dad had a memorial service the following Monday and then the Thurs after that we had a graveside service for the ashes. In the midst of all of this I started my period on Tues and they wanted me to get b/w and an u/s on Fri. We had been out of state for almost 2 wks. It was a 12 hr drive so it took a lot out of us. I debated on what to do. Should I stay another day and get a clinic in that area to do the stuff or should I leave after the service and go to My local clinic in TX?

    I decided to just do the drive home. I was tired of being away from home. So were the kids. We needed a routine and we needed our own space. We had been staying with my sister. So, after the service we drove the 12 hrs and got home around midnight. My dr. appt was at 930 the next day.

    I went to my dr appt and was even a few min early even though I was exhausted. Again, it felt that no one knew what was going on. I had to ask for another med instruction since it was on the orders but they were checking me out to leave. Of course no one knew what meds I was going to take or how much. I sighed and thought I'm sure they will know how much to charge me...that's something they will remember or find out about.

    Later that night (since they are on CA time it is often 8 pm when they call me) I was told that my nurse in CA got a fax saying that I was too late to get the bloodwork in same day so it would be in on Monday. I almost lost it...actually I kinda did. I was mad, sad, and a fountain of tears!! The fax basically made it sound like it was my fault! Worse, I couldn't talk to anyone inTX b/c their office was already closed. So I only got to fume all weekend.

    My DH (also furious) called them and demanded the answering service call the dr. They refused. He called over and over again and they finally said they would just to shut him up. We both knew they wouldn't do it.

    I talked to them first thing Mon and the nurse told me I should have told them at check in that I needed the results same day. I said you are the ones with the orders that says that! Then she said that the lab place had already picked them up for the day and it happens all the time. 930 should have been early enough but it happens all the time. They just couldn't get everyone done before the  pick up!!

    I was going to loose it. Have they ever thought of not overbooking and doing everything correctly the 1st time. She also said I could have just gone to a Lapcorp and gotten it done there. I said sure Lady! I would have loved to...thing is YOU DIDN"TTELL ME that the labs had already been picked up when you drew my blood for FREAKIN RETARD!!!!! I almost said that to her! I could have cooked an egg on myself I was so hot!

    So, I told CA that I did not want to work with them again. They called several clinics (one of which I had worked with before as a donor) but no one could accomodate me this late in the game! I was sad/mad,,,everything.

    The nurse from CA called the nurse from TX and they said it would NEVER happen again! She says that they took the blame when she called but when I talked to the TX people they only blamed me. I told them ...through sobs...that I had just left my dad's funeral, drove 12 hrs, got up and went to my appt the next day --EARLY only to have the office not get the results back same day. It was just too much!!!

    That was last Friday. Monday they got the results and I was able to start STIMS on Wed (last night). I have another appt at the crummy local clinic on Fri. THis time I will tell them 35 million times that I have to have the results same day as to not have an ounce of confusion!!!

    My original ER was estimated for 3/18. They said it will probably be around 4-5 days later now!

    So, I finally decided to cool off. To relax. To take it easy. Stress and getting all worked up about all of this was only going to be counterproductive.

    So here I am...just out of a relaxing bubble bath. Keeping cool (although I did get a little worked up writing this).

    I hope these little obsticles will be so worth it!!!

    Thanks for letting me vent!!

  • What a start!

    So, I have been waiting to start this whole journey since I had my first DS. I had a bad case of GD but realized that everything would be fine. I started to visualize our family as the perfect family of 4. I would have my DS first and follow by the DD. One of each, perfect for a booth, for rides at Disney World. Everything was going to be fine. I looked at HighTech then but just knew that I would just have a DD anyway b/c I had always known that I would.

    Surprise! When my DS was only 10mo old I found out I was preganant. In my mind I was going to be done. I called my belly Baby Kate (only to myself) and was totally convinced that I would be completing my family. At the sonogram they said it would be a DS and I fell apart. I couldn't hold it together. This was (what I thought at the time) horrific!---I know, I know. There are people out there struggling with infertility that would like to sock me in the face, I understand I would want to hit me too. I simply can't help my feelings and I'm just being totally honest. Which is something I really can't do with anyone other than my mom and DH.

    It was good for me that pregancy lasts for 9mo (or for me 8 mo) so I learned to love the little boy I was carrying and of course loved him even more after he was born. It didn't however, make me feel like our family was complete. I longed to a DD. You guys are the only ones that understand that! Out of 7 kids (yes 6 bros/sis), I'm the only one that had 2 kids and no sign of a DD. DDs are a dime a dozen in my family! How could I not have one???

    After DS2 I thought there was no way I was going to be someone that had 5 or 6 boys. My dad was one of 7. My gma had a girl followed by 6 boys. Unbelievable! We just can't afford to have a whole brood of kids & quite frankly I'm all boyed out.

    Thus a long discussion of how to make this work. I wanted to feel like I did everything I could on my end (we all know God has the final word). We talked about swaying & I read tons of books. It sounded risky. We talked about PGD but I didn't want to discard my little extra babies. Finally, we considered adoption. You start telling people you want a girl and people get a bit cranky. We finally found a few places that would let you put a gender preferece in adoption but I was nervous about the wait and the fact that we were perfectly fertile people. I thought of one of my infertile friends that has 2 adopted kids. Would I be taking away a child that should be hers since I could just have my own.

    You know crazy stuff, irrational thinking everything comes out in this process! So, I did more research and found out that I could give my embies up for adoption. I felt like that was something I could live with. I could also give someone the possibility of feeling the joy of pregnancy that may not have been able to otherwise.

    That was it! We were going to do PGD. We knew either way we were going to have to fork out a ton of loot. So I had been saving.

    I had donated my eggs a few times and I knew the process. I have a heart for the infertile. I can't imagine what it is like and I have enjoyed egg donation more than I ever knew I could. I have helped 2 people conceive 2 healthy babies. The agency I worked with doesn't let you meet the people face to face but we write letters that go through the agency and doesn't let you know the identity of the person sending it. We have even exchanged gifts around the holidays. I know these people could adopt. But the feeling of having a baby kick in your own womb is something that nobody can describe. If this is something they have longed to do and I can help I am happy to do so.

    I never spent a dime of the compensation. I only put that in our "baby account". It is an overwhelming feeling! I recommend anyone at least think about doing the donation. What a gift. Just think of your journey and what would happen if you needed donor eggs. Wouldn't you want someone who cared and knew the process like you do!

    Anyway, so I decided to a time frame to start and had to wait 2 mo from my egg donation. Luckily, I had a lot of the labs already done from my donation so I had to get them sent over. That was a nightmare. It took forever, they didn't send over all the stuff!! I couldn't do my other labs until I knew what I had done with the other doctor.

    My DH had lab problems too. They said it would take one week but 2 wks later no word on them. I was getting mad. Why is this so difficult? I had to get everything in by a certain date or I was going to have to wait another month! I just couldn't wait any longer!

    It was 2 days before the date and still everything wasn't in. I was freakin out! The day before I got the call and it was all ready. Yippi! I could start my cycle!!

    I just kept thinking ... it will all be worth the work!!

     

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