AngelMae's hope for a daughter

 I have tried to figure out in my mind what to even say.. My embie did not survive the thaw.. I got the call  on Nov 13, 2008 I had just left the accupuncturist and I was feeling great.. Then I saw I had 3 missed calls and I just KNEW!!! I called the RE back and in his same tone that he used to tell me my betas went down on 1/28/08... and then again when  we lost our babies heart beat at 9.5 weeks 6/08, and now that same damn tone, that"I should probably sound like I am sorry tone, but I have been doing this so damn long I see this every day"  tone.. telling me my embie didn't make it. I don't blame him or anyone else hey that is how it worked out.. and I guess this was not the path I was supposed to travel, but I did and it led me around in circles.

I have really been thinking about adoption, but I can't shake this feeling I need to be Pregnant!!! I will be 40 in a few days, and I was supposed to have my baby girl by 1/21/09.. since we lost her.. I have been longing to be pregnant, and I just can't shake it.. yes we have a great chance to have another boy, but would that be so bad?  I want a DD with all my heart and soul, and I have the strongest feeling that I will have her, that God will bless me with my long awaited for GIRL, but that being said I do have a little pang of doubt that my dream will never come to fruition, I love babies and my 5 sons are absolutley amazing, but I want a DAUGHTER!!! I want her so badly it hurts!!!

I am taking the time to say good bye to my high tech journey and to welcome my new journey... To trust in Gods plan.. and to know that I am where I was meant to be all along.  I have faith that my dreams will come true, at some time in some way I will be blessed with my DD!

Af arrived a day earlier, throwing a stick in the spokes as usual, now I had to do bloodwork on day 2 between 7am and 8am, very busy time in my house getting my guys ready for school, so Sat would have been much better, but we will deal with it, today I left my 16year old home with everyone strict instructions, the little guys were still sleeping and the other 2 were to get ready for school, and make the bus, I would drive my oldest to school once I got back.  The office is only 10 min away, and b/w and sono ususally take 15min max, so I figued I would be back within a 1/2 hour... Not today the nurse was late openimg the office, the u/s nurse was late, so I was there at 7am, but I didn't get b/w or sono until 7:30, and got home by 7:40, of course my 13 yr old missed his bus, and my 10 yr old was not dressed so I got them all together and drove the older guys to school, then got the other 3 ready....Not a smooth start, but at least I only have to go weekly, so I think I have to figure out a better plan for next fri monitoring visit.

     OK I don't know how I feel one minute excited the next  I am so sad, and the next I am afraid I will get pregnant and lose her again.  I know one step at a time, lets pray she makes it through the thaw.... then lets pray she STICKS!!!!!!!!.... and then when we pass that hump we will pray she holds on for the next 9 months!!!!!!!!  Please Lord I hope you are listening!!!!

        I feel I could jump out of my skin,  I am so afraid I will never have a DD, I just could Scream!!!!! If I thought it would help I would do it, so I guess I need to focus on getting my body ready to hold my little girl for the next 9 momths.  Off to the web to find out the best things to do for a successful FET!!!!!!   Come on my snow baby make it through the thaw and STICK!!!!! I know you can do it.

After calling the billing Dept at my RE's office to find out what my FET would cost, they decided to tell me I owed over $7,000 for my 1st and 2nd cycles???? I paid the RE's office $12,085 for my first cycle, this would give me 4 chances at pregnancy, I would have one natural cycle and 3 FET, all included in that price, it also included all b/w, monitoring and office vivits.   Luck would have it that we had 2 male embies and  only had 1 female embie and she was our worst looking embie, that resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  We cycled again and paid for the single cycle $8,400, we did have 3 female embies this time and we put back 2, our 3rd embie grew another day and was strong enough to freeze,so we paid another $1,000 to have her cryopreserved and stored for 6 months,   we put back 2 and had a frosty to fall back on.

I never even thought I would be coming to get her.

We got our BFP and it lasted about 9 weeks, I had a D&C a little over 10 weeks.

Talk about throwing salt in a wound my Re's billing dept is trying to charge me for things we never even heard of they said they were extras, the only extras I was told about was ICSI and embryo glue, and we were told by our Re that we did not need either one.  so we should not have been charged any extras...

It took months, and many phone calls, I finally got threw to the person in charge of all of billing and he cleared it all up, so now we were back to owing nothing.  In my attempt to figure out what was paid I did find out that my RE's billing Dept charged our insurance for things we had paid for, and my insurtance company paid them, My insurance company said they would pay for blood work and monitoring and nothing else, yet they paid for office visits, testing, monitoring, blood work, even  part of my egg retrieval and embryo transfer.....  I had already paid package prices to my RE, so they were getting paid by both of us, We had paid them a total of  $21,484(we also paid $8400 for the PGD, to a seperate lab) and my insurance company paid them well over $10,000. Now since I did have insurance to cover the monitoring I knew they would go through them for that, but the more research I did the more I found out that those things should be covered through the packages we paid for.

I just found out that my RE's office now says we have a credit, and it should be more than enough to pay for our FET, and probably they will owe us $, and If our embie doesn't survive the FET, we will not be charged, so I guess this is a sign to overcome my fears and go get my SNOW BABY!!!!!!

Here we go again!!!!

Now I am not going to get my hopes up I keep telling myself, she has a 25% chance she will not survive the thaw, and I am not sure what the chances of 1 frosty taking is, but I am sure it would be better if we had more... That being said it seems like a slim chance we would be successful... but I have to admit I have this tiny glimmer of hope,  but I keep pushing it down, I don't know if my heart could take anymore sorrow over this and I think it best if I protect myself before... So if it does work than great!!!!
and if it doesn't we then have the closure we need to walk away from this high tech journey.

I just pray to God that I will be blessed with a Daughter.  I hear good things come to those who wait, and I have been waiting a long, long time.

Please let this be my turn for a happy ending, please Lord bless me with a daughter.

I have never been through something like this before, I feel like I have been walking around in a dream, someone elses dream... I am fertile, I am healthy, and I get pregnant easily, I never have any complications, I have text book pregnancies and deliveries, I have been told many times, that my body is made to make babies, and deliver them!!!! 

Well how could something like this happen to me??? How could the baby making machine lose a baby, what did I do?? where did I go wrong?? Was it my tempting fate trying unnatural methods to capture my dream?? Maybe my body doesn't like artificial reproduction??   I was so close, I was pregnant with my DAUGHTER, and in a heart beat or lack of a heart beat she was gone... she will be forever in my heart

I miss her, how can you miss someone you never met?   I have pictured her a million times, and I will never get to hold her, I guess she wasn't meant to be

6-30-08  I had my D&C We went to labor and delivery early that morning, sitting in the waiting room with all the excited parents waiting to deliver their babies, I sat waiting to have my dead baby scraped out of me... My feeling numb!!!!  I tried so hard to hold back the tears I really did, my mother came with me and I didn't want her to see me so upset, and I knew she would cry and the we would make all these people who were so happy upset, I didn't want to ruin their day, after all I had 5 healthy boys, I don't begrudge anyone the hapiness of a healthy baby being born.  After all I remember vividly with my last two births coming up to this floor and waiting and seeing women who barely looked pregnant waiting and looking so sad, I just knew what they were here for, so I didn't go in there... I walked the corridors so they wouldn't see me, so I wouldn't be in their face, I didn't want to make them feel any worse seeing my big belly and my excitement of giving birth, when they probably felt so sad for their loss.... noone gave me that courtesy that day, they were all sitting with their husbands rubbing their bellies, so I left... my mother talked to a nurse and they put me in a different waiting room, the waiting room for families of preemie babies, a little more my mood at the time, yet feeling so bad for these families and their babies, it made my situation a little more bareable, Oh how I pray for those little babies

We were soon brought into the labor room where I was given the choice of a local or to be put out... I told them I don't want to know a thing, put me OUT!!!!! It seemed like I was out for seconds when I awoke and was told everything went smoothly and my little girl was completely intact in her placenta... everything looked healthy and the placenta looked great, just a fluke, and I am an oddity to have had 5 children already and not to ever have a miscarriage.  Why Oh why did my body wait until I was pregnant with my little girl to decide to become part of the norm????

Truth is we will never know, and it was just dumb luck, the luck I seem to have sometimes, but I have so many other precious gifts that I need to be thankful for, so I will get through these days and count my blessings, we will get through this, and I pray to God I can someday count a Daughter as a blessing in my life, and she can sit along side her 5 brothers just as happy and healthy as they are

Now I'm at a loss, my baby wouldn't turn around at all, just showing her head and back, or nothing, Dr got a measurement of a little more than 8 weeks, but can't find her heart beat.  He thought he heard it, but also could have been my heart beat the u/s machine was picking up.  I have to go back Sat to check again. 

I do believe in miracles!!!!!

But, I am scared to death!!!!  I feel like we got so far, 2 BFN's with MS/IUI and then a chemical with the 1st cycle of IVF/PGD, and now this .... to come 9 weeks and think I was going to actually have A daughter,  and then this, I don't think my heart can take too much more.

Why? Why can't it just work out for me, just once? 

OK I have to think positive and pray that I will see a miracle on Sat,( I almost want to skip that appt on Sat and just go to my OB on Mon that was supposed to be my first appt with my OB for this pregnancy).... I don't know what to do  I'll keep on praying

OK past that hurdle, and the heart rate is good, but Dr having a hard time measuring my little bean, can only get a measurement of 7 weeks 2 days, but everything looks good so really not that worried.  Wants me to come back to check the growth in another week.

Come on little girl GROW!!!!!!

I know I should be so ecstatic, but I feel like I need to get out of the first trimester until I can celebrate.  I still have the thought of the slow heart rate in my head and I am so nervous, hearing so many stories of women losing babies around 8 weeks, I don't know why I am so nervous, I feel more and more pregnant every day.  I think I am having a hard time believing that this is finally coming true, I will have a DD!  I feel like I am so close, I just don't want her snatched away from me

OK we are going in tomorrow and are going to hear a good strong heart beat little girl!!!! 

OK the b/w came back great, I guess I have to stay on 1 progesterone cap a day for a while, although my progesterone was still over 40, and all other hormone levels are great!!!  I feel better also, because I mentioned the heart rate to the nurse who gave me my b/w results and she told me the woman who did my u/s the other day is a horrible tech, and not to worry... I wish I would have known that before I got myself worked up over a slow heart rate  Oh well, as long as everything keeps progressing I will be a happy camper

I can't wait for next weeks u/s let everything go well, good growth and strong heart beat!!!!!

My baby is measuring right on the mark for her age, her heart was beating nice and strong and she even seemed to be moving.  We also heard the heart beat, nurse said it was measuring a little slower than they like to see, but we will check it again next week, she said the baby is so young still, but the growth is perfect and the fact that the heart rate was good and steady and strong were all good.

I guess it would be too easy to have every check up go perfectly, and there will always be a worry

I get the results of the b/w tomorrow, hopefully beta went way up and my progesterone is staying up, if so I can go off the progesterone...all goes well this week. 

I'm so happy at 6weeks we got to see our babies heart beating, we even heard it!! I feel so much better what a hurdle to get over. Now I can't wait for the next 6 weeks to go by without a hitch, and I'll feel so much more at ease.

I'm down to 1 progesterone cap a day, and go back next week for my 7week b/w and u/s. 

I can hardly believe this is happening to me, and I will have a DD!!!!

U/S went well we saw a black dot... more like a black circle with a ball of white in the middle, The Dr said it was Good, only saw 1 though. I guess only one of our embies took, but the Dr wouldn't verify that he said it was too early to tell.  Only 5 weeks at this point, and beta was very good at 1501.

I am cutting back on bothe progesterone and estoidal st this point soince my #'s are good, and I report back for b/w and u/s when I'm 6weeks.

I think we are cooking with gas!!!!  Our baby girl is coming to fruition, all is right with the world:o)................

OK 6 weeks now, went in for b/w this morning and going back to see the Dr for an u/s this afternoon at 3:00pm.  I am still nervous, I pray we see her little heart beating... and my beta #'s are still good, as well as progesterone and estroidal levels are good.  Funny thing is I really don't feel pregnant, I know it is early, and my bb's are tingly, and I'm tired, but I don't really feel so sick,  guess that is a good thing, but it makes me a little nervous, like I should be sick or something.  I guess that is what I was used to with my other pregnancies....well I'm praying all goes well this afternoon, and I can come back and write that I saw my babies heart beating....

I am so relieved, it more than tripled again!!!!  Now I go tomorrow for b/w and an u/s, I am praying we see something.  I was told by the nurse not to expect to see a heart beat, that we should see a black dot, it is the black dot sono.... I just would feel better if I see something.  I feel like every day is a hurdle, (OK I made it through today, I'm one more day pregnant than yesterday), is it going to be like this the whole time?  I guess I'll breathe easier once I'm past the 1st trimester?  I hope so.  I just can't wait to enjoy this pregnancy, it will probably be my last.  So I want to relish every part.  Every so often through the worry my happiness can't control itself and I realize this is it!!! This is what you have been waiting for Tam, You have finally had your prayers answered... And it feels GOOD!

OK we are on our way, I am so happy I can't decribe it. 

First to be pregnant after trying this high tech route for the past year, I was beginning to think I was infertile.  then I thought about it, no worrying if this pregnancy will bring me my little girl, I know!!!!, it is so nice to know I am pregnant with our daughter, I am so at peace with all of this it is so surreal. 

I can't wait for my belly to grow and to feel her move. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her little newborn face and smell her, I love newborn baby smell!!!! I can't wait to see her.

 I keep thinking of names, I have had so many over the past 15 years, I am so confused at what one to pick.  I have time for all that I just need to take it easy and enjoy having my baby girl grow inside of me.  I feel like I'm pregnant for the first time all over again.

I want to tell the world, yet I know we will wait until the 1st trimester is behind us.

Thank You God for answering my prayers!!! And thank you IG family for giving me the support and encouragement I needed to see this through.

I am pregnant with my daughter!!!!!!!

OK I poas  again while waiting for the Dr to call with my results, line sooo much darker and I feel really preggo today, the really sore bb's and the low back pain, and yes even nausea, or is it nerves that is making me sick to my stomach.

OK I expected that # to be close to 100, I am a little nervous, but I know I should just take it easy, in my heart I feel this is it!!!!!!    I really really do, I  am going to have a DD in Jan!!!!  I think I am afraid to be happy, I still am nervous, ugh if it is not one thing it is another, the #  eggs, the # that  fertilized, the # of  girls, I am so sick of worrying about #'s, I am feeling a bit sad because I thought I might have 2 dd's, and with a # like 58, I'm thinking we may have lost one of them. 

OK in the back of my mind, I do know with DS#4 I had low beta #'s 15dpo, and my DR just said don't worry about it you are just recently  pregnant, very early, but none the less pregnant, and I never gave it another thought, I just figured I was preggie, and let nature take it's course.  So I am going to do that now, I am going to stop worrying about #'s and focus on my baby.

Bring on the beta Fri my little girl and I are ready to set those #'s soaring!!!!!!!

I sit here sooo nervous this morning, I couldn't wait for this day to come, especially after the hpt, showed me some lines, but now feeling very nervous.  I want high #'s, I need for this to work!!! I think I'm preggo, but I am so scared the #'s will not go up, or I will have another chemical... I am so trying to be positive, but I am scared to death.

I let go this cycle, I relaxed and trusted,  I didn't get the fert results, but the fact our only 3 were girls, well that blew me out of the water, I'm still in shock.  They were all highest quality embies, so they have to take ...right?  In my heart I say yes, but my head knows all too well that is not the case, as I watch friends on this board put back good embies, yet they get stung by that damn BFN.  It doesn't make sense!!  I also feel a pang of guilt if this does work for me, and why not for them?  I have been in that place and it is so hard, I don't want anyone to feel it.  It is so hard!

Ok I need to focus and tell my embies I need High #'s babies!!!  Come on body produce that hcg!!!!  I know I probably won't relax until I'm holding my baby(s) in my arms, but I think if I had some really high #''s it would make me feel a little more at ease.   OK we are going for the high #'s I have one hour until b/w, and another long 6 to 8 hrs of waiting for the call...........