Well- I thought i would start with a history of myself! Before I discuss the journey ahead I thought how I got to this part of my journey would be relevant!! BTW- it reads a little like a soap opera- it isn't intended that way but what can ya do!!!
I had a m/c in 2001. Early on... no complications... although it was upsetting it wasn't planned and we weren't at all ready for a child. But after it all happening decided.... this is the direction we want to go so we bought the wedding forward 4 months!!!
When we got back from our Honeymoon- two pink lines showed up and we were ecstatic!!! I was nervous about m/c because niavely at 22 thought that was the worst that could happen- oh to be naive again!!! Well we didn't find out what we were having- I knew she was a girl! I wanted a girl which I kept a secret but I knew she was a girl. I also had many episodes in the pg where I felt off and went to the OB for a heart check! SHE came at 37 + 5! She was beautiful even after the most horrendous pain I have ever eperienced. I still felt there was something wrong but dismissed those feelings because having a dd i was COMPLETE!!! I won't go into every detail of Abigails story (although I could write a book- literally) but unforseen 14 days down the track we were faced with the toughest decision that my new husband and I ever will have to make! Abigail was found to have a chromozonal abnormality on the long arm of 11q. We could put her through a lot of operations, alot of pain and they said MAYBE she would live till 5. We said the only reasons we would do that was because we needed to hold onto her- and that would be selfish of us. We took her off the machines, she lived for three more days and fell peacefully asleep in my husbands arms. Worst day of my life! I was shattered- never to be whole again.
And the only thing I could think was not only my precious precious daughter was taken from me but motherhood also. I was empty armed- and they ached! I wanted to try again- as soon as I could- hubby reluctantly agreed due to my loss of sanity lol... We tried and failed, tried and failed, I bought OPK- I wasn't ovulating- body was in shock so our OB who is a brilliant woman helped us fall. We fell with triplets! Well what a shock- scary and exciting! We lost 2 at 8 weeks and I nervously went on the rest of my pg! A beautiful little boy was born after an easy and comfortable labour. Aiden- and I was a MUM again! I went home with an adorable little boy- I didn't care he was a boy he was healthy and mine and the nursery that had been painted and empty for so long was going to have a crying or happy baby in it!
Well 4 months later I got the shock of my life. Was going to have a few drinks with friends but hadn't had a period yet so I thought better test Just in Case!!! AAAAhhhhhhh ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++! I was pregnant for the thrid time in as many years! I rang my hubby "Hello" - he said- "nice to hear from you" "Hi babe" I said "how are you?" "Fine and You?" "I'm Pregnant!!!" SILENCE laughing...... "They will be close!!!" Another pregnancy- ANOTHER BOY!!!! He was healthy and I was so busy enjoying Aiden that I didn't really care. We want four kids so the net 2 will be girls to even out! Fair enough!! Went through the pg when I was 7 months pg my mum discovered that she had breast cancer- a devestating blow- and it was not looking good!
So as the kids went on developing I took over my mum's businesses. I went to chemo with her and Dad, and we watched our 2 little guys grow- Aiden was not speaking- he wasn't really babbling- a little concerning but all the family says "he's a boys- they are always slower than girls" We took him to a speech therapist- he has dysbraxia- not uncommon but he will need speech therapy for at least 4 years- Okay- we can deal with that!
Meanwhile my mum was getting sicker- we had helped her sell her house and she had moved to the same suburb as my sister and I! My husband and I thought about trying again! I really wanted my mum to see my next child- I wanted her to be there- I thought it would give her hope! So we tried and second month BAM!!! I told mum straight away- oh it's a girl I know it and she will be beautiful!!! Well mum said it- she will be beautiful- mum will make it through this- HOPE. I was 16 weeks along and Mum was told it had moved to her brain- radiotherapy our last hope. At 19 weeks we went to the scan- I so wanted to ring and tell her "mum you were right I have a healthy little girl" but at u/s the technician coldy said- she just isn't ready to be replaced yet- it's another boy! Well I had so many emotions running through my body I ended up feeling numb. I didn't want to replace her- I just wanted a chance to bond with a girl the way I did with my mum. To tell my mum hold on you have another grand daughter on the way.
When I was 6 months pg, me and my sister delivered my mothers eulogy! She was gone and I missed her! I held comfort in the fact she is now playing with Abigail in heaven- her special time with Nanna Mo!! It was hard- losing a daughter, a mother and alot of pregnancies! I felt kind of sorry for myself- ---
"Declan wasn't speaking- but Declan was doing all sorts of other weird stuff. Now when you have lost a child and your others don't seem right- first thing you do- jump on the net and explore everything you can think of- After searching and crying and searching it- AUTISM! Had to be! So after Doctors appointments and therapy we are dealing! Logan our third little boys is a precous gem and praise the Lord- developing normally (actually a little ahead brag, brag lol...) So even though he is a boy I am very thankful for him and love him to pieces!
I love my boys I LOVE my boys- they have problems but cope extremely well and I love our family unit! But I want a little girl- to raise, to bond with! Abigail I grieve for everyday and nothing will ever replace her BUT what could have been created with her, the chilhood bonding, watch a daughter get ready for her wedding, have the special bond my mum and I shared.
We also looked into the probabilty of another male being afflicted with Autism- it is just too much of a risk and we will not do it! It would not be fair on that little boy!!! So we feel high tech is our only choice. We have had one failed cycle that resulted in a no TRANSFER!
It is 26 days until we start injections again!
GOD it was good to get that all on paper! Thanks for reading- the main reason i started this blog was so that it can help order my feelings not only during the next cycle but beyond. If I am successful in getting my longed for healthy daughter I know there will be many grieving and worried and nervous moments that will come with it!!